


The League is in a Holding Pattern Until the Draft.  Everyone is Still Not Working.

by ikkiM



Series: Stannis Baratheon, Fantasy Football League Commissioner [4]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bearpits, Chatting & Messaging, Comedy, Complete Insanity, F/M, Fantasy Football, Gen, Green Plaid Shirt, I for Innuendo, M/M, Pale Pink Chucks, So fucking sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-12 16:37:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2117037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seriously, these people just miscommunicate and fuck around all day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flying Penises, Wood Flooring and Friends with Benefits. Monday, Part 1.

**Author's Note:**

> tafkar and InkandType have given me TitBombs and so so so many from the fandom have given me prompts and inspiration. I love you all. With a flying penis.

WarriorMaiden: It was clearly a bird.  
LadyRose: It looked like a flying penis.  
UKnowUWantMe: i thought it looked like a flyhing penis  
WarriorMaiden: It looked nothing like a flying penis. Penises do not fly. It was a bird.

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Is someone discussing erotic art?  
WarriorMaiden: NO.  
UKnowUWantMe: YES. brienne kept drawing penises during pictionary sat nigh  
WarriorMaiden: Margaery decided everything I drew looked like a penis. I drew ocean waves and she guessed penis.  
LadyRose: Those looked like dancing penises.  
SexViper: I can make my cock dance.  
UKnowUWantMe: rly?  
WarriorMaiden: Hey Loras, how is your boyfriend, Renly?  
UKnowUWantMe: ur just mad u lost at pictionary  
LadyRose: It looked like a flying penis.  
WarriorMaiden: It was a BIRD.

\--

SharkKing: iceman is btr than maverick bc he followed the rules  
iluvgilly: but maverick ws right in the end  
SharkKing: iceman would have figured it out  
iluvgilly: sometimes the handsome hero has 2 break the rules  
SharkKing: iceman was better looking than tom cruise  
iluvgilly: u have a thing 4 val kilmer?  
SharkKing: no. I mean, NO, i just like that he followed the rules  
iluvgilly: right

\--

Kingslayer: Entertain me.  
WarriorMaiden: Why is that my job?  
Kingslayer: Because I say so.  
WarriorMaiden: You are not the boss of me.  
Kingslayer: I would be if you'd come work for me.  
WarriorMaiden: And do what? Help you make paperclip necklaces?  
Kingslayer: I can do that just fine on my own.  
WarriorMaiden: I have the evidence right here at my desk.  
Kingslayer: You're not wearing it?  
WarriorMaiden: Do you really think I would wear a paperclip necklace?  
Kingslayer: It matches your eyes.

\--

RedHeadedMother: I'm having wooden floors installed.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Didn't you already have wood flooring?  
RedHeadedMother: No, it's stone.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You are in the North.  
RedHeadedMother: I'm going to change my mind mid-way through the installation.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Ah?  
RedHeadedMother: So we will be down a room and Jaime and Brienne will have to share.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Brienne is a marvelous woman and she will be such a distraction to Jaime.  
RedHeadedMother: Are you certain, Olenna? Could he be just using her?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You’ve known Jaime for how long?  
RedHeadedMother: I’m not sure, 20 plus years? He was set up for a 7th grade dance with my sister.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: And how many women had he dated and dumped?  
RedHeadedMother: Good point. Still, he’s a Lannister.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Some Lannisters are remarkably monogamous.

\--

Kingslayer: SheHawks  
WarriorMaiden: FudgePackers  
Kingslayer: LyDowns  
WarriorMaiden: ViQueens  
Kingslayer: Turdinals  
WarriorMaiden: Bungles  
Kingslayer: Yets  
WarriorMaiden: Cheatriots  
Kingslayer: Aints  
WarriorMaiden: Iggles  
Kingslayer: Foreskins  
WarriorMaiden: Murderers  
Kingslayer: ?  
WarriorMaiden: Ravens  
Kingslayer: Good one.

\--

BAMFLannister: Tyrion, why exactly does the executive elevator smell like burnt crayons?  
URallAssholes: how should i know?  
BAMFLannister: Because burning crayons at the office is the type of stunt you would pull.  
URallAssholes: fucking hells

[URallAssholes has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: bro, y does the exec elevator smell weird?  
BAMFLannister: Like burnt crayons.  
Kingslayer: No clue?  
BAMFLannister: Tyrion.

[BeenThereDoneThatQueen has joined the room.]

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Tywin, did you get those soy candles I sent you?  
BAMFLannister: …  
URallAssholes: HAH

\--

LadyRose: You should just have sex with him.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I are just friends.  
LadyRose: Whatever. Jaime Lannister doesn’t have friends.  
WarriorMaiden: We run together three nights each week and work out the other nights.  
LadyRose: Work out as in have hot sweaty sex?  
WarriorMaiden: As in at the gym.  
LadyRose: Hot sweaty sex on one of those workout benches?  
WarriorMaiden: NO SEX.  
LadyRose: WHY NOT?  
WarriorMaiden: How many times can I say we are just friends?

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Friends fuck sometimes too, Brienne.  
LadyRose: Speaking of which….  
LadyRose: Hey Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Hey Marg...what about friends?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, Margaery.  
LadyRose: We are not done with the conversation.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes we are.  
LadyRose: Jaime, don’t you think people who are just friends can have sex?  
WarriorMaiden: Stop.  
Kingslayer: I mean, sure. Friends can. If that’s what they both want. Sure.  
LadyRose: See, Brienne. Jaime agrees with me.  
Kingslayer: What do you think about it, Brienne?

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Yeah, tell us your thoughts on casual sex?  
SexViper: Sex should not be casual, but it should not be formal. Sex is pleasure. I do not take the giving and receiving of pleasure casually. It should be intense, white hot pleasure.  
WarriorMaiden: I cannot cope with this.  
SexViper: Is it difficult for you to receive pleasure, goddess Brienne? I can bring you orgasms. I will work your body for hours.  
Kingslayer: You won’t get near her with your penis pox.  
WarriorMaiden: I am going to leave this conversation.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: We are not done talking about friends with benefits.  
Kingslayer: Don’t go, wench.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

\--

UKnowUWantMe: i am the last person 2 ask about heterosexual relationships  
Needler: im 13, no sex  
Needler: and dude ur a boy  
UKnowUWantMe: who likes other boys  
Needler: so if u like some1, how do u let them knwo?  
UKnowUWantMe: at a club, dance w them, grind a little, stick my tongue down his throat, the uzh  
Needler: no clubs, no grinding  
UKnowUWantMe: fuk if i know  
UKnowUWantMe: hell if i know, sry  
Needler: i just need 2 know if he likes me or like me likes me  
UKnowUWantMe: stick ur tongue down his throat?  
Needler: *BARF*  
UKnowUWantMe: pass him a note?  
Needler: notes are so 1985  
UKnowUWantMe: an email?  
Needler: i hacked his email, found nothing  
UKnowUWantMe: u can hack?  
Needler: ...maybe  
UKnowUWantMe: whut does jon use on his hair?

\--

Kingslayer: Casual sex?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods. Shut up.  
Kingslayer: Is that something you're into?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't want to talk about this.  
Kingslayer: I didn’t think you were interested in, you know, dating right now.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not.  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, I’m not seeing anyone.  
Kingslayer: Oberyn keeps hitting on you.  
WarriorMaiden: He hits on everyone. *rolls eyes* He’s not really interested in me.  
Kingslayer: He thinks you’re a goddess.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t think he’s ever met me.  
Kingslayer: He’s seen your picture.  
WarriorMaiden: Come on, Jaime, you’re talking about me. You’ve seen me after a workout or a run, sweaty, red faced. Not a goddess.  
Kingslayer: Your eyes glow after a run or workout. How do you make them get bluer like that?  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever, you work out and your hair still looks perfect and your skin glows. You’ve never looked bad even one day in your life.  
Kingslayer: So...you think I’m hot?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: You do think I’m hot. Don’t you?  
WarriorMaiden: You think you’re hot enough for both of us.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: We built this titty  
we built this titty on rock and roll!  
Kingslayer: So what are your thoughts on casual sex? Or friends with benefits?  
WarriorMaiden: I am not getting drawn into this conversation with you.  
Kingslayer: Starship? Really?  
SharkReek: fwb? im down  
WarriorMaiden: Theon is down with 80s music.  
Kingslayer: Bet he has parachute pants.  
WarriorMaiden: With a drop crotch.  
SharkReek: fuk u

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: You know that means he does have them.  
Kingslayer: Friends with benefits?  
WarriorMaiden: Not discussing.  
Kingslayer: I will pester you.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll log off.  
Kingslayer: You like it when I pester you.  
WarriorMaiden: Do not.  
Kingslayer: Do too.  
WarriorMaiden: Do not.  
Kingslayer: Do too.


	2. Bands, Secret Boyfriends and Bathroom Stalls.  Monday, Part 2.

Kingslayer: We should totally start a band.  
WarriorMaiden: I have no musical talent.  
Kingslayer: What would our band name be?  
WarriorMaiden: We aren’t starting a band.  
Kingslayer: Kingslayer’s Maiden?  
WarriorMaiden: Right. Sounds great. We could play folk music and wear medieval costumes.  
Kingslayer: Now you’re getting into it.  
WarriorMaiden: I was being sarcastic.  
Kingslayer: You’re not good at sarcasm, Brienne. You should leave that to me.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: Now that you are good at. You have astonishing eyes.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: That can be the name of our first album. “Shut Up, Astonishing Eyes.”

\--

IronIslandsBattleBabe: I can’t pearl.  
CommissionerByRight: Purl?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Whatever. I can’t.  
CommissionerByRight: I’m sure you have the ability. Are you unwilling?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I mean I can’t get my fingers to work the needles correctly.  
CommissionerByRight: It’s not difficult. It’s very soothing, actually.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I can just knit.  
CommissionerByRight: Are you really trying?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: No. I’m just making scarves.  
CommissionerByRight: With a basic knit stitch?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Yeah. Do you want one?  
CommissionerByRight: No.

\--

Kingslayer: If you don’t want to go medieval costumes, you can wear a miniskirt and go-go boots.  
WarriorMaiden: Because this is 1967.  
Kingslayer: A leather miniskirt and stilettos.  
WarriorMaiden: And that will happen never.  
Kingslayer: You totally have to dress up when we play gigs, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: We are not playing gigs, idiot.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: To sleep, perchance of Boobs;  
Aye, let me rub,  
For in that sleep post sex,  
What tits may come.  
WarriorMaiden: Let’s ignore that one since it was Shakespeare.  
Kingslayer: Done. You just want to make videos?  
WarriorMaiden: Sure. Then we can sell them to Jon.  
SharkReek: ur making pornos?  
WarriorMaiden: No.

\--

TheLastDragon: Stannis, it’s utterly ridiculous.  
CommissionerByRight: Viserys, I am not going to ban Jaime from the League for something that happened years ago.  
TheLastDragon: He betrayed my father.  
CommissionerByRight: He backed out of a trade.  
TheLastDragon: My father will be avenged.  
CommissionerByRight: If you want to avenge him, win already.  
TheLastDragon: I will sit on the Iron Throne.  
CommissionerByRight: Don’t you say that every year?

\--

Needler: hacked n2 his email, stll don’t know if he likes me or likes me likes me  
WarriorMaiden: How did you learn how to hack into email?  
Needler: *shrug*  
WarriorMaiden: Arya, you shouldn’t do things like that.  
Needler: probs not  
WarriorMaiden: If he likes you, he’ll let you know. Just let it happen.  
Needler: is that what ur doing?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s different for adults.  
Needler: yeah, u can just kiss him  
WarriorMaiden: It’s not that easy.  
Needler: if I ask gendry if he likes me, will u kiss the boy u like?  
WarriorMaiden: Probably not.  
Needler: so i’m gonna keep hacking his email

\--

FlayMaster: Little Wife, I do not have time to explain football to you.  
PinkISPretty: but its something we could do together  
FlayMaster: I am at work. I have three root canals and an extraction scheduled.  
PinkISPretty: I’m making lamb chops for dinner.  
FlayMaster: Do not fry them again.  
PinkISPretty: Sorry you had to fix your own broken tooth.

\--

URallAssholes: hey tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: Let's see. I say hello, you tell me to date your brother.  
URallAssholes: if u date him, our convos could be different  
WarriorMaiden: Our conversations could be different anyway. How are your pre-Draft rankings?  
URallAssholes: i have gone thru the depth charts, just monitoring injuries  
WarriorMaiden: Pre-season injuries suck.  
URallAssholes: u know who else sucks?  
WarriorMaiden: Kordell Stewart?  
URallAssholes: heh, no, but my bro, he will suck, lick, wahtever u ask  
WarriorMaiden: Dear gods.  
URallAssholes: all u have 2 do is ask, tall chick and he's urs

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Right, so I'm going to message him and say, Hey, why don't we make out or have sex in a bathroom stall?  
URallAssholes: sure, he'd do u  
iluvgilly: who?  
URallAssholes: jaime  
WarriorMaiden: Some random stranger I met the other day who doesn't chat and who no one knows and will ever know ever, Sam.  
URallAssholes: or jaime  
WarriorMaiden: But really just someone no one knows.  
iluvgilly: u have a secret bf?  
URallAssholes: jaime is her secret bf  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion has a tattoo.  
URallAssholes: 2 late, tall chick, u know this is going 2 stick  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*

\--

IronIslandsBattleBabe: I like the feel of a book in my hands.  
FertileNonagenarian: kindle is easier on my eyes  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I can’t help that you’re old.  
FertileNonagenarian: we should go out  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Not going to happen.  
FertileNonagenarian: ill ask ur dad

\--

KissedByFire: Totally, undeniably smoking hot.  
KissedByFire: Smoking!  
LadyRose: He is pouty hot.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’m not feeling it.  
KissedByFire: smokinjaycutler.tumblr.com works for me  
LadyRose: Pouty hot is still hot.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I might like him more if he wasn’t such a whiner.  
LadyRose: You know more about him than what he looks like?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: He’s the quarterback for the Bears. I hate the Bears.  
KissedByFire: The cigarette makes him hot.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You realize he doesn’t actually smoke and those are all photoshopped?  
KissedByFire: Damn.  
LadyRose: He’s still pouty hot.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You want hot? Eric Decker. http://swoonworthy.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/eric-decker-hot-1.jpg  
LadyRose: He’s a little...dirty  
KissedByFire: I like dirty hot.

[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Brienne, what do you think of Eric Decker?  
WarriorMaiden: He’s might be a sleeper and he’s No1 on the depth chart, but either Geno Smith or Mike Vick will be throwing to him. And really, Geno Smith? Do not get me started on Vick either.  
KissedByFire: What the hells? Brienne? Is he hot or not?  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Football players, who is hot, who is not.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not drafting a team based on hotness.  
LadyRose: So you do think he’s hot? As hot as Jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

\--

iluvgilly: r u brienen's secret bf?  
Kingslayer: What?  
iluvgilly: brie was saying she was going 2 have sex in a bathroom stall w her secret bf  
Kingslayer: What the fuck?  
iluvgilly: tyrion said u r her secret bf

[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Brienne doesn't have a secret boyfriend and if she's going to have sex in a bathroom stall it's going to be with me.  
LadyRose: Well, thank gods for that. She needs to get laid.  
Kingslayer: She does?  
LadyRose: Sure, why don't you go ask her?

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

iluvgilly: it's really not a secret that jaime is her bf, is it?  
LadyRose: Those two are idiots, Sam. You had the right of it, just asking Gilly.  
iluvgilly: i can b brave when the occasion calls for it

\--

BeardedStag: I should talk to Stannis about it. It's a BE issue.  
UKnowUWantMe: cant big brienne handle her own probs?  
BeardedStag: Look, Bronn said he saw a chat with some work guys talking about trying to trick her into sex or something because of the FF league.  
UKnowUWantMe: like ne1 would want 2 fuk her  
BeardedStag: Stop being jealous.  
UKnowUWantMe: y don't u handle it urself?  
BeardedStag: If I tell IT to review emails, they'll report it Stannis anyway.  
UKnowUWantMe: u should handle it wo him, show every1 u would be a better commish  
BeardedStag: I can't get their passwords.  
UKnowUWantMe: get a hacker  
BeardedStag: Who?

\--

Kingslayer: So, bathroom stalls?  
WarriorMaiden: *facepalm*  
Kingslayer: I mean, it would work and all, but those doors can be flimsy and I might lose my footing.  
WarriorMaiden: Sam Tarly has the worst timing in the history of timing.  
Kingslayer: So you don't have a bathroom stall fetish?  
WarriorMaiden: I was being sarcastic with your brother.  
Kingslayer: Didn’t we agree you’re bad at sarcasm?  
WarriorMaiden: For once, I'm going to take your advice. You can have all the sarcasm.  
Kingslayer: But we can share the bathroom stall.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> InkandType with the Shakespeare. Because SHE IS SMARTICLE!


	3. Lunch, Crewnecks and Turtlenecks.  Tuesday, Part 1

WarriorMaiden: A wing tasting?  
Kingslayer: Yes, like a wine tasting, but with wings.  
WarriorMaiden: Would we chew them up, taste them and then spit them out?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: You can spit if you want, or swallow. Whatever you want.  
SharkReek: Never mind, I'll find some tits like you  
I wish nothing but the best tits for you  
Don't de-tit me, I beg  
I'll remember your tits,  
Sometimes tit lasts in love but sometimes it’s tits instead,  
Sometimes tit lasts in love but sometimes it’s tits instead  
SharkReek: bjs?  
WarriorMaiden: Gods, how could Marg stand you and your love for sappy love ballads?  
Kingslayer: What's next? Christina Perry?  
WarriorMaiden: Sia?  
Kingslayer: Taylor Swift?  
SharkReek: t-swift is hot  
Kingslayer: She looks like a ferret.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Taylor Swift, she has a mean ferrety little face.  
SharkReek: id fuc her  
Kingslayer: You'd stick your dick in a pool raft.  
WarriorMaiden: I thought all guys were hot for pretty little blonde girls like Taylor Swift.  
Kingslayer: I'm not all guys.

\--

BAMFLannister: Lunch meat is pedestrian.  
WardenWolf: cat makes me sandwiches 4 lunch  
BAMFLannister: Ned, you are a grown man, not a child. You should either have lunch delivered or go out. Like an adult.  
WardenWolf: But I like ham and cheese.  
BAMFLannister: Do you also carry it in a plastic container with a miniature bag of potato chips and a prepackaged pastry item?  
WardenWolf: …  
BAMFLannister: And you wonder why people don’t respect you.  
WardenWolf: Packed lunches are more honorable than dining out.

\--

YoungWolf: ham and cheese w mayo  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Three meat baked hoagie.  
FingerfewerHand: Leftover roast chicken and dressing.  
URallAssholes: I'm going out.  
WarriorMaiden: Sliced turkey on nine grain, spicy mustard, but I have to run errands first.  
Kingslayer: Peanut butter and jelly.  
YoungWolf: ur serisly having pbj 4 lunch?  
Kingslayer: I like peanut butter and jelly.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Strawberry or grape?  
Kingslayer: Grape, of course. Strawberry with peanut butter is disgusting.  
YoungWolf: strwry dude, anythng else is just wrong

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: I'd lick 99 titties, but you ain't got one.  
WarriorMaiden: I'm with Jaime about this.  
Kingslayer: See, Brienne agrees with me. That means I'm right.  
WarriorMaiden: Except it should be jam.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis makes excellent peach preserves.  
Kingslayer: It's not a peanut butter and JELLY unless it's JELLY, not jam.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: No one eats peanut butter and preserves.  
SharkReek: i like pb and bacon  
WarriorMaiden: That sounds disgusting.  
YoungWolf: ru pregnant?  
Kingslayer: Jelly.  
WarriorMaiden: Jam.

\--

BeardedStag: So, can you do it?  
Needler: ull pay me?  
BeardedStag: Yes. But you cannot tell.  
Needler: k  
BeardedStag: Hyle Hunt, Edmund Ambrose, Ron Connington, Ben Bushy, hack their emails and tell me what they are up to with Brienne.  
Needler: cant u ask ur IT dept?  
BeardedStag: I’d have to go through Stannis.  
Needler: so?  
BeardedStag: Have you met him?  
Needler: he edits my papers.  
BeardedStag: So you understand?  
Needler: hes a stickler 4 rules  
BeardedStag: Yep.  
Needler: u owe me  
BeardedStag: Fine. While you’re at it, can you find out what Jaime Lannister uses on his hair?  
Needler: do u rly think he emails about it?  
BeardedStag: No.  
Needler: then, uh, NO.

\--

LadyRose: This one is going to be fun.  
WarriorMaiden: No it isn’t.  
LadyRose: Stop being a stick in the mud.  
WarriorMaiden: Stop being obsessed with penises.

[LadyRose has sent out a global invitation to join the conversation.]  
[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]  
[Bronn4Sale has joined the conversation.]  
[CommissionerByRight has joined the conversation.]  
[SexontheSand has joined the conversation.]  
[IronIslandsBattleBabe has joined the conversation.]  
[FertileNonagenarian has joined the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]  
[MrsYoungWolf has joined the conversation.]  
[IKnowALittleSomething has joined the conversation.]  
[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]  
[UKnowUWantMe has joined the conversation.]  
[BeardedStag has joined the conversation.]  
[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Topic of the day, ladies and gentlemen.  
LadyRose: Crewneck or turtleneck?  
URallAssholes: ur welcome 2 investigate personally, ladies  
FertileNonagenarian: i like a turtleneck, keeps me warm  
Bronn4Sale: turtleneck  
CommissionerByRight: Are we discussing items of clothing or euphemisms for penises?  
KissedByFire: Stan, it’s the topic of the day. Of course it would be penises. I like em natural.  
MrsYoungWolf: What’s the difference?  
BeardedStag: cut or uncut  
UKnowUWantMe: im cut, ren isn’t  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Is that a family trait, Stannis?  
CommissionerByRight: It’s a surgical procedure. It is not hereditary.  
Kingslayer: You mean like ...foreskins?  
iluvgilly: u pepole discuss the weirdest things  
MrsYoungWolf: I prefer crewnecks then, that’s cut, right? The other seems...dirty.  
CommissionByRight: It’s just a matter of washing regularly, just as you do the rest of your body.  
SharkReek: marg like turtlenecks  
LadyRose: Actually, I prefer crew.  
SharkReek: since when?  
Kingslayer: Brienne, your thoughts?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not thinking about this topic. At all. Ever.  
FertileNonagenarian: wait? u want 2 c my foreskin?  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
MrsYoungWolf: No.  
Kingslayer: No.  
UKnowUWantMe: gods no  
URallAssholes: FUCKING HELLS NO  
SexontheSand: Maybe.  
Bronn4Sale: id look if u pay me  
KissedByFire: If you’ve seen one flaccid saggy penis, you’ve seen them all.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Ygritte is right.  
IKnowALittleSomething: and how many flaccid saggy ones have u seen, ygritte?  
KissedByFire: I’ve seen enough, Jon Snow.  
IKnowALittleSomething: thats no answer  
UKnowUWantMe: oh oh oh, fight fight, get the popcorn  
iluvgilly: isn’t brie who has the dick pic collection?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods. Not this again.  
FertileNonagenarian: ill send you mine? we can date?  
WarriorMaiden: NO more global invites, Marg.

\--

PinkISPretty: so explain the basics?  
WardenWolf: well, u win by gaining the most points  
PinkISPretty: I’m not that dumb, Ned  
WardenWolf: k, sorry  
WardenWolf: td is worth 6, field goal worth 3, after a touchdown you can either kick an extra point or go for 2  
PinkISPretty: how much is the extra point worth?  
WardenWolf: extra point, not pointS, one  
PinkISPretty: you don’t have to be snippy

\--

Kingslayer: So?  
WarriorMaiden: So what?  
Kingslayer: Crewneck or turtleneck?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t have either.  
Kingslayer: Which do you prefer though?  
WarriorMaiden: I will only answer that question in relation to actual items of clothing.  
Kingslayer: Okay. Say we are talking sweaters.  
WarriorMaiden: Crewnecks. I find turtlenecks stifling.  
Kingslayer: Is it the same with cock sweaters?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Want to know my answer?  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: I’ll tell you.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not asking.  
Kingslayer: I’m offering the information.  
WarriorMaiden: I got that.  
Kingslayer: Which do you prefer?  
WarriorMaiden: Do you think the Seahawks can repeat this year?  
Kingslayer: Are you blushing?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t think they can. They got a little lucky last year.  
Kingslayer: You might get lucky.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t think Russell Wilson will have a good year either.  
Kingslayer: Send me a picture of your blush and I’ll tell you.  
WarriorMaiden: Marshawn Lynch as well. Not going to have a great year.  
Kingslayer: Tell me you’re not thinking about it.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not thinking about your penis, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: How did you know I meant my cock if you weren’t thinking about it?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: I’m going to tell you now and it’s not even going to cost you a picture.  
WarriorMaiden: If Walder Frey sends me a picture of his penis, I’m going to forward it to you.  
Kingslayer: Crewneck.  
WarriorMaiden: I like the Professor better than Magneto.  
Kingslayer: Magneto.  
WarriorMaiden: Professor.  
Kingslayer: Crewneck?  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thanking tafkar and InkandType for titbombs and inspiration. I love you. With a crewneck. I'm anti-turtleneck. It's a thing.


	4. Car Accidents, Panties, Friendzones with a Side of Sex Talk.  Tuesday, Part 2

WarriorMaiden: I’m fine. Seriously. I’m just fine.  
Kingslayer: Did you go to the Emergency Room?  
WarriorMaiden: For what?  
Kingslayer: You were in a car accident. You should get checked out.  
WarriorMaiden: I got tapped in the parking lot.  
Kingslayer: You said your car had to be towed.  
WarriorMaiden: It did. The bumper came off. I’m fine. My car, not so much.  
Kingslayer: I still think you should get checked out.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m fine.  
Kingslayer: I’ll come get you. Take you to the doctor.  
WarriorMaiden: I. AM. FINE.  
Kingslayer: I’ll come get you and drive you home.  
WarriorMaiden: That would be nice. I won’t have a rental until tomorrow.  
Kingslayer: I’ll be there in 20 minutes.  
WarriorMaiden: NO.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s 1:30. You can give me a ride after work.  
Kingslayer: You should go home and rest.  
WarriorMaiden: I. AM. FINE.  
Kingslayer: I’m still picking you up after work. I’ll come up to your office and get you.  
WarriorMaiden: I can meet you outside.  
Kingslayer: I’ll come up and get you.  
WarriorMaiden: I can make it downstairs to the street.  
Kingslayer: What if you pass out in the elevator from some undetected head injury?  
WarriorMaiden: I usually take the stairs.  
Kingslayer: Gods wench. I will be coming up to get you and you will wait there sitting in your office until I arrive.  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously?  
Kingslayer: The other option is me sending an ambulance and some EMTs over to take you out on a stretcher.  
WarriorMaiden: You wouldn’t.  
Kingslayer: Come on, Brienne. You know I would.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I’ll wait up here.  
Kingslayer: I’ll check you for concussion. How are you feeling?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m hungry. I didn’t get lunch. I’ll buy you dinner.  
Kingslayer: We can fight over the check.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll win.  
Kingslayer: I’ll take advantage of your weakened state.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks.  
Kingslayer: Friends take care of each other.

\--

BAMFLannister: You want me to what?  
UKnowUWantMe: ask jaime about his hair products  
BAMFLannister: Whyever would I do such a thing for you, Tyrell?  
UKnowUWantMe: so i put in a good word with gran 4u  
BAMFLannister: I do not need your assistance with Olenna.  
UKnowUWantMe: dont u people understand? i ahve split ends!  
BAMFLannister: No. I do not understand. I do not want to understand. I never want to discuss this again.  
UKnowUWantMe: this is a lannister conspiracy  
BAMFLannister: You say that as if a Lannister would bother to care about your hair.

\--

URallAssholes: so, tall chick, how tall r u?  
WarriorMaiden: Are you going to tell me to date Jaime again?  
URallAssholes: probs, but not right now  
WarriorMaiden: I’m 6’3”.  
URallAssholes: how much of that is leg?  
WarriorMaiden: Why are you asking?  
URallAssholes: all this spec about u and me  
WarriorMaiden: Spec?  
URallAssholes: how it woudl work  
WarriorMaiden: Oh good gods.  
URallAssholes: im 4’5”. let's think about it  
WarriorMaiden: Let's not.  
URallAssholes: i could go down on u while we both stood up  
WarriorMaiden: Why are you doing this?  
URallAssholes: its fun?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s not.  
URallAssholes: missionary could work  
WarriorMaiden: I do not want to think about this.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: u could b on top  
WarriorMaiden: Sam joined the conversation, so I’m saying right now that Tyrion is only speaking hypotetheically.  
URallAssholes: so when we hypothetically fuck, ur on top  
WarriorMaiden: Stop.  
iluvgilly: do u like being on top?  
WarriorMaiden: Why does this always happen?  
URallAssholes: tall chick, do u like being the domme?  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion, can you ever possibly shut up?  
URallAssholes: this is going 2b good  
WarriorMaiden: FINE. FINE.  
WarriorMaiden: Sam, when Tyrion and I have sex, I wear black thigh high boots with 6” heels and spank him with a flogger. But he’s impotent.  
iluvgilly: tyrion, arent there pills 4 that  
WarriorMaiden: Oh, now this is good.  
URallAssholes: i am not impotent  
WarriorMaiden: Pills don’t even work, Sam. He can only get it up from a good hard spanking.  
URallAssholes: ill punish u for this tall chick  
iluvgilly: u spank her 2?  
WarriorMaiden: Go forth Sam, go forth and tell everyone Tyrion can’t get it up. Make sure every woman you know hears about it.  
URallAssholes: brienne is having sex w jaime  
WarriorMaiden: I AM NOT.  
iluvgilly: both lannisters?  
URallAssholes: no sam, just jaime, she flirts w me 2 hide her secret fling w jaime

[IKnowALittleSomething has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: I am not having a secret fling with Jaime.  
iluvgilly: every1 knows about u and jaime, not a secrt  
URallAssholes: and im not impotent  
iluvgilly: so u just spank then?  
IKnowALittleSomething: spanking videos?  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion makes pornos.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: brienne doesn’t wear panties  
Kingslayer: WTF Tyrion? Yes she does. I’ve seen them when she stretches. She has ones with pink flowers on them.  
WarriorMaiden: You looked at my underwear?  
Kingslayer: ...Yes?  
iluvgilly: do u spank her w her underwear on or off?  
URallAssholes: yeah, jaime, when u spank brienne is it panties on her off?  
WarriorMaiden: I hate you, Tyrion.  
IKnowALittleSomething: is that y u spank him?  
iluvgilly: u shouldn’t b mad at him 4 being impotent  
Kingslayer: You like being spanked?  
URallAssholes: i am not impotent  
WarriorMaiden: Hey Jaime, doesn’t Tyrion make bondage pornos?  
IKnowALittleSomething: r they 4 sale?  
URallAssholes: brienne likes cyber sex  
Kingslayer: You do?  
WarriorMaiden: I give up. You win.  
URallAssholes: id still want u on top.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

\--

SexontheSand: The pictures of the food always look much better than the food ends up tasting.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: And they always say it only takes a 10 minutes to cook.  
SexontheSand: It never takes only 10 minutes.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Cat can do those recipes in 10 minutes.  
SexontheSand: But she has boring sex.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You know this how?  
SexontheSand: Have you looked at Ned? He does the very same things in the very same order for the very same amount of time twice each week.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I'll give you that.  
SexontheSand: Still, food blogs make me hungry.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Food porn.  
SexontheSand: Don't tell Oberyn, but it's better than actual porn.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I saw that mushroom scallop ravioli. It got me hot and bothered.  
SexontheSand: I came.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Okay...I did too.  
SexontheSand: Let's look at that baked tomato mac and cheese together. 

\--

KellyCsBear: The Friendzone.  
SharkReek: fukin sucks  
Kingslayer: What's the friendzone?  
KellyCsBear: When a woman you like thinks of you only as a friend and nothing more.  
Kingslayer: How can you tell if you're in the friendzone?  
SharkReek: no sex  
KellyCsBear: She talks to you, confides in you, shares her hopes and dreams, looks into your eyes and then places her hand on your arm and squeezes telling you how much she trusts you and relies on you.  
SharkReek: or she chats w u all day but wont cyberfuck or send tit pics  
Kingslayer: How do you get out of the friendzone?  
KellyCsBear: When you find out, please tell me.

\--

URallAssholes: date jaime  
WarriorMaiden: Seven hells.  
URallAssholes: cmon, u know u want 2  
WarriorMaiden: He and I hang out enough that you should be getting laid.  
URallAssholes: but hes not getting laid  
WarriorMaiden: I thought he was seeing someone?  
URallAssholes: would it bothr u if he were?  
WarriorMaiden: Come on, have you seen him? Women fall all over him.  
URallAssholes: havent u noticed? hes not intrested  
WarriorMaiden: That's why I thought he had someone. When we go out, women are always trying to hit on him. He declines politely.   
URallAssholes: wut does he do when guys hit on u?  
WarriorMaiden: Never happens.  
URallAssholes: ur 2 dim 2 notice  
WarriorMaiden: I'm not delusional enough to think that every person that looks at me wants to have sex with me. Most just stare at me like I'm a freak.  
URallAssholes: or like they r picturing u naked  
WarriorMaiden: Stop.  
URallAssholes: so, date jaime

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I are friends, good friends.  
URallAssholes: 4now  
Kingslayer: Best friends?  
WarriorMaiden: Sure. See, Tyrion.  
URallAssholes: im not the blind one here, tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever. I have to go. Jaime. I’ll see you around 530?  
Kingslayer: I’ll be there and then we’ll go to dinner.  
WarriorMaiden: We'll hang out as friends.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: FUCK. I'm in the friendzone.

\--

Bronn4Sale: ‘sup girl? whatcha wearing?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’m totally naked.  
Bronn4Sale: srsly?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: No.

\--

EddieBros: got ur email, no rpgress w beauty?  
HyleontheHunt: shes always busy  
RocketRon: wtf? who wud date that?  
BushWhacker: not me, cant do it evn 4 the leagu  
HyleontheHunt: shes really not that bad  
RocketRon: if u want 2 stick ur dik n a hairy beast  
BushWhacker: fuk it, i’m out  
HyleontheHunt: i was gong 2 offer her a ride home, but she has one  
RocketRon: who?

\--

WarriorMaiden: Okay. I’m ready to leave. I’m going to wait here until you arrive.  
Kingslayer: I’ll be there in two minutes.  
WarriorMaiden: Where are you?  
Kingslayer: Waiting for the elevator.  
WarriorMaiden: When did you get here?  
Kingslayer: About an hour ago.  
WarriorMaiden: What have you been doing?  
Kingslayer: Sitting in the lobby.  
WarriorMaiden: You could have come up to my office.  
Kingslayer: You might have frowned at me and thrown me out.  
WarriorMaiden: I wouldn’t have.  
Kingslayer: :) Walking to your office. What do you want for dinner?  
WarriorMaiden: Sports bar? I could go for some greasy fried food.  
Kingslayer: My kind of woman.  
WarriorMaiden: I’d like to go home and change first.  
Kingslayer: I’m here. I’m looking at you.  
WarriorMaiden: Stop making faces on the glass. It will annoy the cleaning people.  
Kingslayer: I’m leaving you kiss marks.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all of the inspirational chatters, commenters, PMers, IMers and emailers. Hearing from you being showered with Christmas.


	5. Cars, Sex Toys and the Clarisonic.  Wednesday, Part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank [InkandType](http://archiveofourown.org/users/InkandType/pseuds/InkandType) and [tafkar](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tafkar/pseuds/tafkar) for their TitBombs and support. 
> 
> Thank the ladies of chat for giving me prompts and ideas. Thanks to everyone who says anything about this fic, bad or good.
> 
> And thanks to [MotherofFirkins](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MotherofFirkins/pseuds/MotherofFirkins) for kicking ass and chewing bubble gum. She's just all out of bubble gum.

WarriorMaiden: JAIME LANNISTER.  
Kingslayer: Oh yes, there she is, the wench I know and love.  
WarriorMaiden: Why was there a car in my parking spot this morning?  
Kingslayer: Because that's where you usually park your car?  
WarriorMaiden: My car is in the shop and they were supposed to have dropped off a rental.  
Kingslayer: What rental company do you use? Rent a jalopy?  
WarriorMaiden: Did you just use the term jalopy?  
Kingslayer: I know words, wench. Lots of words. Like, "Thanks for giving me a car, Jaime." Those are some nice words.  
WarriorMaiden: You are giving me a car?  
Kingslayer: ...Yes?  
WarriorMaiden: You cannot do that.  
Kingslayer: Why not?  
WarriorMaiden: Because it's a car. You cannot go around giving people cars.  
Kingslayer: Why not?  
WarriorMaiden: Because that's not something people DO.  
Kingslayer: Didn't you like it?  
WarriorMaiden: It's a fully loaded red and black classic convertible Valyrian. It's the most expensive sports car ever made. There are only eight known Valyrians in existence.  
Kingslayer: I know. It's mine. Father gave it to me. I’m giving it to you. Didn’t you see the plate? KNGSLYR 1? Did you drive it today?  
WarriorMaiden: I had to get to work somehow.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Close your eyes, give me your tits, darlin'  
I can feel your tits beating  
Do you understand  
Do you feel the tit  
Am I only dreaming  
Is this burning an eternal boob  
Kingslayer: Did you like the ride?  
SharkReek: wut?  
WarriorMaiden: You know it’s an amazing ride.  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t say anything else. Theon is here.  
SharkReek: u cybersexin?  
Kingslayer: Brienne just likes to ride.  
WarriorMaiden: You aren’t doing yourself any favors right now.  
Kingslayer: Hey Stinky, there is a new Barry Manilow mix on youtube.  
SharkReek: FU

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Was that the Bangles?  
WarriorMaiden: You cannot give me a car.  
Kingslayer: The Valyrian doesn't really have the leg room I'd like. You should keep it.  
WarriorMaiden: I'm taller than you. You think it's going to have leg room I like?  
Kingslayer: You're barely taller than I am. Barely.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not keeping your car.  
Kingslayer: Do you want an SUV instead? A blue one? To match your eyes?  
WarriorMaiden: I want you NOT to give me a car.  
Kingslayer: Why not?  
WarriorMaiden: Because it’s weird. People don’t buy each other cars.  
Kingslayer: Lannisters do.  
WarriorMaiden: You’re taking back the Valyrian.  
Kingslayer: Use it as a loaner.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll give it back to you when my car is fixed.  
Kingslayer: If you insist.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s a Valyrian, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Yep.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: Brienne. Either borrow my car or I will send Pod, my driver over to take you everywhere.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: Yes.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: Yes.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll BORROW it.  
Kingslayer: For as long as you like.  
Kingslayer: Or forever. Whatever.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s hard for me to call you an idiot when you’re being so nice.  
Kingslayer: Nice? How about dashing? Handsome? Sexy as hells?  
WarriorMaiden: Fine.  
Kingslayer: I am a fine ass man.

\--

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]  
[IronIslandBattlebabe has joined the conversation.]  
[SexontheSand has joined the conversation.]  
[MrsYoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: In CONFIDENCE, Margaery Tyrell.  
LadyRose: Fine. I’ll keep your secrets and not expose you with a topic of the day.  
KissedByFire: Secrets?  
LadyRose: So ladies. Topic of the day. Sex toys. Your preference.  
WarriorMaiden: Good gods.  
LadyRose: Would you have preferred that nice ride you got?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, Marg.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Dildo.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: What nice ride?  
WarriorMaiden: Nothing. It was a joke. Go back to talking about rubber penises.  
KissedByFire: I like my hand.  
SexontheSand: If I wanted a cock, I'd have it. I like a nice vibrating egg or ben wa balls.  
MrsYoungWolf: Ben wa is supposed to be good for vaginal strengthening after childbirth.  
LadyRose: I read about these wooden sex toys.  
KissedByFire: Would that cause splinters?  
MrsYoungWolf: Thanks, Ygritte, I'm now crossing my legs in pain at the thought.  
IronIslandBattleBabe: Anyone familiar with the Sqeel?  
SexontheSand: Do tell?  
LadyRose: Sounds naughty.  
WarriorMaiden: It's a sex toy. Is it supposed to sound boring?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: It can only be described as a Ferris wheel of tongues.  
MrsYoungWolf: OH MY.  
KissedByFire: I'd call it the "Jon Snow."  
WarriorMaiden: How do people come up with these things?  
LadyRose: I looked at the Harvey Wallbanger.  
SexontheSand: The one you attach to the wall in the shower?  
WarriorMaiden: Holy hells. I'm going to go talk to Jaime about corn versus flour tortillas or something.

[YoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

YoungWolf: Hey babe, can u pick up my dry cleaning?  
LadyRose: Be sure to talk to Lannister about your sex toys, Brienne.  
SexontheSand: The ones you use in the shower.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

YoungWolf: wut?

\--

Kingslayer: Father is considering filing a lawsuit to force the Lions to change their name.  
WarriorMaiden: The Lannisters don’t have the name Lions trademarked.  
Kingslayer: Tell him that.  
WarriorMaiden: I just might.  
Kingslayer: Oh, I can invite him to the conversation. I’d like to see you take on Father.  
WarriorMaiden: You say that as if you think I couldn’t.  
Kingslayer: I have faith in you, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: Why can’t you call me Brienne?  
Kingslayer: I can. I just don’t want to.  
WarriorMaiden: How would you like it if I called you a name?  
Kingslayer: You call me idiot often enough.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s not a name. That’s the truth.  
Kingslayer: Are you saying you’re not a wench?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m saying you’re an idiot.  
WarriorMaiden: But not always.  
Kingslayer: Other times?  
WarriorMaiden: You’re a pretty great friend.  
Kingslayer: Can’t I just be great and pretty?

\--

CommissionerByRight: I find the trouser press to be very helpful.  
WardenWolf: i mostly wear khaks. or Dockers.  
CommissionerByRight: I am aware.  
WardenWolf: sansa calls them “dad pants”  
CommissionerByRight: I wouldn’t expect that to be a compliment, Ned.  
WardenWolf: cat irons clothes if i need them  
CommissionerByRight: If you buy good trousers and a trouser press, your appearance will be more professional.  
WardenWolf: im really a laid back guy  
CommissionerByRight: Laid back does not have to mean slovenly.  
WardenWolf: like u know laid back, mr razor sharp trouser crease  
CommissionerByRight: Thank you for noticing.

\--

Needler: did u wear the Packer jersey i sent u?  
WarriorMaiden: I did. It almost got me in trouble.  
Needler: ??  
WarriorMaiden: I went out with my friend Jaime for dinner and we ended up at a Bears bar during a preseason game.  
Needler: OMG ru okay?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime knew some of the Mormont Bears fans and talked us out of there.

[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

Needler: smart of him to get u out of a bears pit like htat  
LadyRose: Him, who? Bearpit, what?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I went to dinner yesterday and ended up at a Bears bar and I was wearing a Packer jersey.  
Needler: he talked them out of there b4 she got hurt  
LadyRose: And why does your shirt matter?  
WarriorMaiden: Bears fans hate Packers fans.  
Needler: DUH  
LadyRose: Why?  
WarriorMaiden: Do you want me to go into a long detailed description of football rivalries?  
LadyRose: No.  
LadyRose: Just get to the Jaime part.  
WarriorMaiden: So these Bears fans, probably Mormonts, thought I was a Packer fan. Jaime talked us out of there before anything could happen. Not a big deal.  
LadyRose: So, he rescued you, like a damsel in distress?  
Needler: brienne is no damsel!  
WarriorMaiden: No, Marg, he stood up for me like a friend would.  
LadyRose: I’m totally changing this story to he jumped into a bearpit for you.  
WarriorMaiden: No. This is in confidence as well.  
LadyRose: You’re killing me. I need to gossip like I need shoes. I want to talk to people about this. Your life is so much more interesting than mine.  
WarriorMaiden: Stop whining. Why do I confide in you again?  
LadyRose: Because I give the best man advice?  
WarriorMaiden: I thought that was Oberyn?  
Needler: oberyn gives boy advice?  
WarriorMaiden: NO.

\--

RedHeadedMother: So did you like it?  
MrsYoungWolf: The Clarisonic is GREAT, Cat. You're right. It really invigorates my skin.  
RedHeadedMother: I'm glad. It is a little on the expensive side, but I think it's well worth it. Those cheaper facial scrubbers can be irritating.  
MrsYoungWolf: No really, it was too much. Not irritating at all. Thank you.  
RedHeadedMother: It's never too early to start caring for your skin.  
MrsYoungWolf: I’ll be sure to exfoliate once per day.

\--

YoungWolf: so, jeyne put this thing in the shower  
SharkReek: a douchebag?  
IKnowALittleSomething: one of those scrubby gloves things?  
YoungWolf: no, it's this white thing and when u turn it on, it vibrates  
SharkReek: so, it's like a shower vibrator?  
IKnowALittleSomething: do u have video?  
YoungWolf: like the bristles vibrate  
YoungWolf: adn its like 2 big 2, u know,go inside  
IKnowALittleSomething: so ur wife like getting it on in the shower? big deal?  
SharkReek: marg and i used 2 fuck n the shower  
YoungWolf: she said my MOTHER gave it to her  
SharkReek: ur mom bought ur wife sex toys?  
IKnowALittleSomething: uh  
YoungWolf: i know!  
IKnowALittleSomething: i know cat and jeyne have lunch, mebbe jeyne complained?  
YoungWolf: shes got nothing 2 complain about!  
SharkReek: ur mom knows ur bad in bed, dude  
YoungWolf: fuck u

\--

MrsYoungWolf: Do I look old?  
Bronn4Sale: uh? no?  
MrsYoungWolf: Catelyn bought me this super expensive facial exfoliating scrubber because she thinks I need to start "caring for my skin."  
Bronn4Sale: uh? k?  
MrsYoungWolf: She might as well have said "Jeyne, you look haggard and have no idea how to wash your own face."  
Bronn4Sale: y do i care again?  
MrsYoungWolf: Seriously. Do you think I look old and haggard? Has marriage made me unhot?  
Bronn4Sale: id know better if u sent me pics of ur tits

\--

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Did she like the Clarisonic?  
RedHeadedMother: I have no idea. She's so hard to read. I thought buying her expensive beauty products would be a way to bridge the gap.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Daughters in law are difficult.  
RedHeadedMother: It's not as if I bought her two months of maid service, which she does so desperately needs.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: She's not the best housekeeper?  
RedHeadedMother: And Robb's shirts are a wrinkled mess.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: He can't iron his own shirts?  
RedHeadedMother: She's clearly not reminding him to do so.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Nothing you can do about it now, Cat.  
RedHeadedMother: Maybe I should buy her some eye firming cream too?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: She might be a little young for that.

\--

Bronn4Sale: chicks  
WarriorMaiden: What about them?  
Bronn4Sale: always complainin bout each other  
WarriorMaiden: I'm not complaining?  
Bronn4Sale: cat bought jeyne some scrubby face thing, she's bitchin  
WarriorMaiden: Is it the Clarisonic?  
Bronn4Sale: no clue  
WarriorMaiden: I don't use makeup but I have one. Margaery gave it to me.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek:Boobs Ass  
The feel of your tits  
The nips go on and on and on and on and  
Boobs Ass  
Your tits make me feel good  
Shirt off for me, shirt off for me, shirt off for me  
WarriorMaiden: I use it in the shower. The vibrations wake me up in the morning.  
SharkReek: uh wut?  
Bronn4Sale: brienne has some thing that jeyne has n the shower  
WarriorMaiden: I love it.  
SharkReek: that's hot  
WarriorMaiden: You are so weird and you have crap taste in music.

\--

YoungWolf: sam wants 2 bring gilly and if sam brings gilly, ygritte will come w jon  
Kingslayer: The draft is a sacred male bonding ritual.  
YoungWolf: ur gf will be there  
Kingslayer: What?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: so, bri has 1 2  
Kingslayer: One what?  
SharkReek: shower vibrator  
YoungWolf: like the one my mom bought jeyne  
SharkReek: yup  
Kingslayer: Your mother bought your wife a sex toy? And Brienne has one too?  
SharkReek: she uses it in the shower every morning  
Kingslayer: Brienne talked to YOU about her morning masturbation rituals?  
SharkReek: dude, no  
Kingslayer: Didn't think so, derp face.  
SharkReek: she was telling bronn  
Kingslayer: WTF?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Women spend something between $15-20K US in a lifetime on beauty products. Most of them are crap. Scrubbers, creams, lotions, astringents, all of it. I'm not saying everyone should buy one, because DAMN they are expensive. But if I had to throw out everything I own and keep one beauty product, it would so be  
> [The Clarisonic](http://www.clarisonic.com/).


	6. The Clarisonic Continues.  Wednesday, Part 2.

Bronn4Sale: fukin hells, do i look like oprah?  
CommissionerByRight: You are slightly swarthy and lean toward portly during the winter.  
Bronn4Sale: fuck u stanny  
CommissionByRight: Davos and I are monogamous.  
Bronn4Sale: dont sear my brain with images  
CommissionerByRight: What do you want, Bronn?  
Bronn4Sale: every chick i talk 2 today is talking bout some face scrub beauty treatment shit  
CommissionerByRight: Why is that relevant to me?

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Bronn4Sale: if i hang w u, chicks won't be talking about their weird shower thing  
Kingslayer: Just how well do you know Brienne, dick cheese?  
CommissionerByRight: I've met her in person several times as she is an employee of Baratheon Enterprises and a friend of Renly's. I have had direct contact with her regarding her application to join and subsequent acceptance into The Iron Throne League. I’m not sure what you’re referring to by “dick cheese,” but I wash regularly.  
Kingslayer: Not you, Stan.  
Bronn4Sale: me?  
Kingslayer: Yes, YOU. How do YOU know Brienne?  
Bronn4Sale: i hear rumors and we talk  
Kingslayer: About her in the shower?  
Bronn4Sale: gods, u want to talk about vibrating shower thing 2? fukin hells  
Kingslayer: She talked to you about it?  
Bronn4Sale: i feel like im on the fukin view or that sexy city show where chicks talked beauty shit and vibrators  
CommissionerByRight: Sex in the City?  
Bronn4Sale: im out

[Bronn4Sale has logged out of chat.]

Kingslayer: I'm going to punch that asshole.  
CommissionerByRight: His poor spelling and grammar are irritating, as is his failure to use any punctuation.

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: so, did u, u know, try it out?  
YoungWolf: dude  
IKnowALittleSomething: not asking details  
YoungWolf: u know I did  
IKnowALittleSomething: and?

[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

YoungWolf: like taking a scrub brush 2 my dick, im all red  
LadyRose: What the hell?  
IKnowALittleSomething: robb tried out jeyne's shower vibrator  
LadyRose: Jeyne has a shower vibrator? The Harvey Wallbanger? She didn’t mention it.  
YoungWolf: my mom bought it for her, weird  
LadyRose: Wait. Was it white with a vibrating circular head?  
YoungWolf: yeah...do u have one?

[LadyRose has invited MrsYoungWolf to the conversation.]  
[MrsYoungWolf has joined the conversation.]  
[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Hey Robb, tell Jeyne what you did with her Clarisonic?  
IKnowALittleSomething: ur shower vibe has a name?  
MrsYoungWolf: Shower vibrator? What?  
YoungWolf: that thing mom bought u  
MrsYoungWolf: The facial exfoliator?  
YoungWolf: facial?  
IKnowALittleSomething: wuts exfoliator  
LadyRose: Dictionary.com. Make it your friend.  
KissedByFire: Item that scrubs off a layer of dead skin, babe.  
IKnowALittleSomething: dead foreskin?  
YoungWolf: thats not a sex toy?  
MrsYoungWolf: NO. It's for my face, to exfoliate and give me younger looking skin because your mother thinks I’m looking old.  
LadyRose: Tell her how you used it, Robb.

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Is someone discussing masturbation?  
YoungWolf: I THOUGHT IT WAS A SEX TOY  
MrsYoungWolf: Oh dear gods, you exfoliated Little Robb?  
IKnowALittleSomething: little robb, heh  
LadyRose: How little?  
SexViper: Yes, how little?  
MrsYoungWolf: You thought your mother bought me a SEX TOY?  
YoungWolf: it seemd a little weird..  
SexViper: Catelyn has always been a very sensual woman.  
MrsYoungWolf: We will discuss this further at home tonight, Robb Stark.  
YoungWolf: do not talk about my mother, pudsnake

[MrsYoungWolf has left the conversation.]  
[YoungWolf has left the conversation.]

KissedByFire: He is so getting cut off.  
LadyRose: He exfoliated his dick. He probably can't get it up anyway.

\--

URallAssholes: y would tall chick tell bronn about her sex toys?  
Kingslayer: You have to find this out for me. If he's touched her, I'll cut his balls off.  
URallAssholes: he tells me about all the women he fucks, shes not on the list  
Kingslayer: Damn right, she's not. But she told him she has a sex toy for the shower.  
URallAssholes: doubt it  
Kingslayer: Do you think she likes him?  
URallAssholes: bronn?  
Kingslayer: Yeah...  
URallAssholes: no  
Kingslayer: I have better hair.  
URallAssholes: u do  
Kingslayer: And I'm the best fantasy football owner in Westeros.  
URallAssholes: CO OWNER

\--

FingerfewerHand: I got the full-sized papertowels.  
CommissionerByRight: You didn’t get the ones perforated such that they are half-sized?  
FingerfewerHand: No. I got the full-sized ones.  
CommissionerByRight: I had to return the last package.  
FingerfewerHand: CostCo almost banned you.  
CommissionerByRight: Returning a package of paper towels should not have been so difficult.  
FingerfewerHand: You told the sales clerk that the towels were defective.  
CommissionerByRight: They were.  
FingerfewerHand: They were not defective.  
CommissionerByRight: They were incorrectly perforated.  
FingerfewerHand: They were half-sized.  
CommissionerByRight: They were useless.  
FingerfewerHand: How is your blood pressure?  
CommissionerByRight: Fine.  
FingerfewerHand: Have you checked it?  
CommissionerByRight: Not since we began discussing paper towels.

\--

SharkReek: hey  
LadyRose: Hey.  
SharkReek: ‘sup girl?  
LadyRose: That is a terrible line.  
SharkReek: worked on u  
LadyRose: I’m smarter now. Go away.  
SharkReek: miss u  
LadyRose: Of course you do.  
SharkReek: miss ur tits.

\--

URallAssholes: my hot little firecracker, what can i do 2u 2day?  
KissedByFire: Just sharing. Robb calls his dick Little Robb and he peeled off a layer of skin using Jeyne's vibrating facial exfoliator.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: im torn btw laughing at him calling his dick little robb and cringing in pain at the thught of scrubbing a layer of skin off my cock  
Kingslayer: What the hells?  
KissedByFire: Do you have a layer to lose?

[URallAssholes has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: lannister men are well-endowed, it's a thing  
WarriorMaiden: Why did you invite me to this conversation?  
URallAssholes: :)  
KissedByFire: Robb used Jeyne's Clarisonic on his dick in the shower this morning.  
WarriorMaiden: For the love of all that is holy.  
Kingslayer: Do you have one, Brienne? Do you use it in the shower?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, I use it in the shower in the mornings. I know Olenna uses hers morning and night. I think Catelyn does too.  
KissedByFire: Cat does it twice a day?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah, but I think that's too much. Twice might chafe.  
URallAssholes: but u could do it the regular way twice each day? not w the vibrating thing?  
WarriorMaiden: Of course. I just use soap and water and my hand at night.  
KissedByFire: I bet Robb can't walk.  
WarriorMaiden: He's an idiot.  
Kingslayer: Your hand?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah. I'll massage with my fingers, of course. But I won't use the Clarisonic twice per day.  
Kingslayer: Massage? With your fingers?  
WarriorMaiden: Does Jeyne know?  
KissedByFire: She does now.  
WarriorMaiden: She's going to be furious. She'll have to buy a new head for it.  
Kingslayer: It has...atttachments?  
WarriorMaiden: Uh. Of course.  
URallAssholes: gods, this is so perfect, i couldn’t script this shit  
KissedByFire: What are you up to, short man?  
URallAssholes: trying to woo u away from that brain dead scrote sack  
Kingslayer: In the morning in the shower and at night with your hand?  
WarriorMaiden: I have a meeting. Give Jeyne my sympathy.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, work out tonight?  
URallAssholes: tall chick likes a good workout, jaime  
Kingslayer: Yeah, of course. I mean. Yeah.  
WarriorMaiden: See you later.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Soap and water and her hand, every night before bed. And in the shower. Every morning. Holy hells.  
URallAssholes: no wonder she didn't want 2 borrow ur shower, bro  
Kingslayer: I have to go lift a car or something.

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

KissedByFire: He has no idea she was talking about a face scrubber, does he?  
URallAssholes: oh no, no he doesn't  
KissedByFire: You let him think she was talking about flicking her bean?  
URallAssholes: yes, yes I did  
KissedByFire: You're a devious little shit.  
URallAssholes: yes, i know so much more than that idiot you let befoul your taut bod  
KissedByFire: You might, but your brother doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send me prompts. I lurve them. A pairing and topic!


	7. The Plot Thickens.  Thursday, Part 1.

KissedByFire: So Marg, Brienne confides in you. Jaime or Tyrion?  
LadyRose: She swore me to secrecy and you know how she is about promises.  
KissedByFire: Tyrion is up to something.  
LadyRose: Isn’t he always?  
KissedByFire: He was trying to make Jaime think about Brienne diddling her skittle. Brienne like him?  
LadyRose: You know her. She can’t actually admit to liking a man without turning into a tongue-tied 12 year old.  
KissedByFire: What is the deal with that?  
LadyRose: You try being 6’ tall in 7th grade.  
KissedByFire: Still, the legs?  
LadyRose: Kids are cruel.  
KissedByFire: They running something on her?  
LadyRose: I’ll find out.  
KissedByFire: I’ll kick their asses.  
LadyRose: Get in line.

\--

Kingslayer: Yes.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer. Yes.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Yes?  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe.

\--

LadyRose: Tyrion Lannister.  
URallAssholes: margie wargie puddin’ pie  
LadyRose: What are you up to?  
URallAssholes: asking my height? curious r u?  
LadyRose: With Brienne.  
URallAssholes: dick pic thing or how would we fuck thing?  
LadyRose: The Jaime thing.  
URallAssholes: what has the tall chick said about my bro?  
LadyRose: He tried to give her his classic Valyrian.  
URallAssholes: holy hells  
LadyRose: You didn’t know?  
URallAssholes: not that it was tht far gone, the valyrian? father will b so pissed  
LadyRose: So?  
URallAssholes: so what?  
LadyRose: Why are you trying to fling them at each other?  
URallAssholes: y r u trying to fling them at each other?  
LadyRose: Who said I am?  
URallAssholes: who said i am?  
LadyRose: Stop being a dick.  
URallAssholes: stop thinking about my dick  
LadyRose: Why do you want Brienne and Jaime together?  
URallAssholes: who sez i do?  
LadyRose: Tell me why.  
URallAssholes: y do u care?  
LadyRose: She’s my friend. You hurt her, I’ll break you.  
URallAssholes: i like tall chick  
LadyRose: You’re still a devious prick.  
URallAssholes: my prick is not even remotely devious. my prick is the most honest bone in my body  
LadyRose: Bone? I heard it was more of a well cooked noodle.  
URallAssholes: come investigate, my horny rose  
LadyRose: Maybe I will. If you tell me what Jaime is up to with my very best friend in the entire world whom I love and adore?  
URallAssholes: whom? hanging around stannis?  
LadyRose: Tyrion?  
URallAssholes: hells, jaime isnt playing her  
LadyRose: Are you playing her?  
URallAssholes: ur asking ME of all people?  
LadyRose: So no ulterior motives?  
URallAssholes: i am a lannister  
LadyRose: I will break you.  
URallAssholes: jaime has no ulterior motives,  
LadyRose: I’ll break him too.  
URallAssholes: come on, u want brie 2 date him  
LadyRose: I want her to date a nice man who cares about her.  
URallAssholes: u have no ulterior motives?  
LadyRose: I am a Tyrell.  
URallAssholes: so u want brie to date jaime?

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Or in the alternative, I want Brienne to get laid, well and often.  
URallAssholes: catch that jaime? tall chick needs pipe laid

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Does someone need cock?  
Kingslayer: She doesn’t need it from you, dick cream.  
LadyRose: I’ll figure it out.  
SexViper: Coming to Dorne, Lady?  
LadyRose: Coming to King’s Landing?  
SexViper: We should have dinner, and then dessert in bed.  
URallAssholes: go flirt elsewhere, ur making my stomach turn  
SexViper: Shall we?  
LadyRose: You first.

[SexViper has left the conversation.]

LadyRose: I will crush you, Lannister brothers. Remember that.

[LadyRose has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: What the hell?  
URallAssholes: the valyrian????? dude, that’s a lannister legacy  
Kingslayer: Do you want it?  
URallAssholes: fuk no, but Father?  
Kingslayer: It’s just a car. She’s more important than a stupid car.  
URallAssholes: u want more than just 2 fuk her?  
Kingslayer: She has such pretty eyes.  
URallAssholes: fuk, cant believe im saying this, aside from ur raging physical attraction to BRIENNE of all people, u like her like her?  
Kingslayer: What do you mean “to BRIENNE of all people”?  
URallAssholes: simmer down, she doesnt butter every1s bread  
Kingslayer: She butters mine and mine alone. She’s not allowed to spread butter for anyone else. Ever.  
Kingslayer: Brienne. Butter. Spread.  
URallAssholes: fuckit  
Kingslayer: I’m in the friendzone.  
URallAssholes: BS  
Kingslayer: She doesn’t like me like me.  
URallAssholes: u flirt heavy?  
Kingslayer: I'm TRYING.  
URallAssholes: shes dumb, try harder  
Kingslayer: She really is smart too. And funny. She gets my movie quotes. And her eyes glow.  
URallAssholes: FLIRT HARDER  
Kingslayer: I am TRYING! I need time alone with her. Not working out.  
URallAssholes: u could mistakenly book a single room 4 draft weekend  
Kingslayer: We are supposed to stay at Ned’s.  
URallAssholes: his dogs have fleas  
Kingslayer: Seriously?  
URallAssholes: book a room, one room

\--

URallAssholes: so, tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: Are we trying to spread rumors about each other or are you trying to get me to date your brother?  
URallAssholes: the latter, though if someone joins the convo, im totes prepared 2 humiliate u  
WarriorMaiden: Screw you.   
URallAssholes: my gingerslut ygritte now thinks im impotent  
WarriorMaiden: I’m strangely pleased.  
URallAssholes: back 2 jaime  
WarriorMaiden: Why do you care?  
URallAssholes: hes my big bro  
WarriorMaiden: We are friends.  
URallAssholes: srlsy, date him, b his gf, marry him and have vry tall babies  
WarriorMaiden: What the hells? You’ve gone past the date him part?  
URallAssholes: start by dating him  
WarriorMaiden: He doesn't want to date me.  
URallAssholes: yes he does, just kiss him  
WarriorMaiden: You mean make a fool of myself?

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: u want 2 kiss him tho  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever. How’s the impotence?  
URallAssholes: nice 1st strike, tall chick  
KissedByFire: Who is Brienne kissing?  
URallAssholes: jaime  
WarriorMaiden: No one.  
URallAssholes: except jaime, she is his gf

[KissedByFire has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

KissedByFire: So, Jaime, you and Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion has Sam’s dick pic.  
Kingslayer: I thought you didn’t know anything about dick pics?  
URallAssholes: dont let them get u off track, ygs  
KissedByFire: Gilly will be telling me about Sam soon enough. I don’t need photos.  
WarriorMaiden: Hey, Jaime, let’s go talk about movies.  
Kingslayer: Sure.

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Friends. Got it, short guy?

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: whenever they talk about movies, code word 4 cyber sex  
KissedByFire: Nice.  
URallAssholes: interested?  
KissedByFire: Maybe.

\--

Kingslayer: So what are you wearing?  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm. Clothes?  
Kingslayer: Are you wearing your flowered panties?  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t believe you saw those.  
Kingslayer: They were cute.  
WarriorMaiden: Embarrassing.

[RedHeadedMother has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: I’ll show you my underwear if you want.  
RedHeadedMother: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Hey Catelyn. Do you mind Jaime, we can talk later?  
Kingslayer: After lunch?  
WarriorMaiden: Sure.  
Kingslayer: Great. :p

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: I do not like that Jaime Lannister.  
WarriorMaiden: He’s a good man, Catelyn. He loaned me a car and saved me from getting beaten up in a Bears bar.  
RedHeadedMother: Don’t be fooled by a handsome face, Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not a foolish girl.  
RedHeadedMother: All right. Are you sure you can take Sansa back with you when you leave Winterfell for King’s Landing after this draft thing?  
WarriorMaiden: It won’t be a problem. I’m riding with Jaime and Tyrion.  
RedHeadedMother: I’m not sure if I want Sansa around the Lannisters. They worry me.  
WarriorMaiden: They are not the men you think they are. Jaime is great. Really great.  
RedHeddedMother: I trust you to keep her safe. We will be down the following weekend so Ned and Robb can be in town to watch the first Sunday of football with the League. *sigh*  
WarriorMaiden: It will be a good time.  
RedHeadedMother: If you don't want to deal with Sansa, my old friend Petyr Baelish will take her off your hands for a day or two.  
WarriorMaiden: Petyr Baelish? Littlefinger?  
RedHeadedMother: We were friends when we were children. He used to have a crush on me.  
WarriorMaident: Doesn't he run a weird dating service now?  
RedHeadedMother: He's perfectly safe.

[RedHeadedMother has invited WardenWolf to the conversation.]  
[WardenWolf has joined the conversation.]

WardenWolf: Yes, dear?  
RedHeadedMother: I was just telling Brienne that if she needs a break from Sansa during her college visit to King's Landing, Sansa could stay with Petyr.  
WardenWolf: Baelish? Sure.  
WardenWolf: he used 2 have a crush on Cat, u know  
WarriorMaiden: Does Sansa know him?  
RedHeadedMother: You know, I don't think they've ever met. Have they, Ned?  
WardenWolf: no, don't think they have. I'm sure they'd get along fine.  
WarriorMaiden: Isn't he being investigated for having underage girls on his dating sites?  
RedHeadedMother: It's not really a big deal.  
WardenWolf: I mean, I don't like it, but it doesn't make him untrustworthy.  
WarriorMaiden: And doesn't he have a weird accent that fades in and out?  
RedHeadedMother: That's just an affectation. Petyr would never lie to me.  
WardenWolf: Well. he did tell me once not to trust him, but he was joking.  
RedHeadedWolf: Sansa would be perfectly safe with him for a few days.  
WarriorMaiden: You know, I think I'm going to plan a whole week's worth of stuff to do with her. 

\--

SexViper: Ah, but you are just a little girl.  
Needler: i could beat u up  
SexViper: You could kick my knee, if I let you get close enough.  
Needler: look, dude, i just need 2 know how 2 find out if a boy likes me  
SexViper: How did I let a girl know I liked her when I was 13 and foolish?  
Needler: he's not foolish  
SexViper: If he likes a woman but does not make clear his intentions, he is thrice a fool.  
Needler: whutevs, wht did u do?  
SexViper: I would want to be in her presence at all times. I would be sure to sit with her and walk her to classes. I would take chances to touch her, rather it be bumping her with my shoulder or tickling her. I would act the child to hear her laugh.  
Needler: would u ask her 2 a dnace and then make fun of every1 w her  
SexViper: I would have probably danced with her, but a boy does not spend the whole dance with a girl he does not like.  
Needler: like or like like?  
SexViper: Like like, little Arya. I think it is clear you have an admirer.  
Needler: Are you sure?  
SexViper: It is known.  
Needler: Thanks oberyn! Ur the best. how do i let him know I like him back?  
SexVViper: 13?  
Needler: yeah...  
SexViper: Smile at him, laugh at his jokes. If the opportunity arises, but your head on his shoulder. If he then puts his arm around you, it is settled.  
Needler: u give the ebst advice  
SexViper: I know.  
Needler: i gotta go hack now  
SexViper: Be well, little one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the next chapter. So very very sorry.


	8. The Plot Gets Plottier.  Thursday, Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so fucking sorry. Feel free to leave me hate comments.

WarriorMaiden: Sam, I really can't answer these questions.  
iluvgilly: u don't yell at me when i ask  
WarriorMaiden: People shouldn't yell at you for asking questions. I know you care about Gilly and don't want to rush things.  
iluvgilly: ur so experienced tho, w dating jaime and tyrion

[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Sam, I am going to say this once.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not dating Tyrion. I am not dating anyone.  
URallAssholes: she IS dating jaime, just on the down low  
iluvgilly: i thought that meant being secretly gay?  
iluvgilly: r u and jaime gay?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh dear gods. I am straight.  
URallAssholes: jaime is straight  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion is gay.  
URallAssholes: do u really want 2 play that game right now?  
WarriorMaiden: Probably not.  
iluvgilly: is that y u r impotent? u like boys?  
URallAssholes: i am straight and my cock is hard  
iluvgilly: ru cyber sexxing w brie?  
URallAssholes: no she cybers jaime  
iluvgilly: i know sry 4 interrupting all the time, brienne  
WarriorMaiden: *bangs head into desk*

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: ur going 2 give urself a headache  
Kingslayer: Wench? Are you sure you don't have a head injury?  
WarriorMaiden: I am fine, thanks Jaime.  
URallAssholes: no shes not, her head and neck ache, she needs a massage  
WarriorMaiden: I do not.  
Kingslayer: I'll rub your neck for you. Run my thumbs down your spine, my fingers through you hair. Knead your shoulders. Maybe use a little warming cream. Do you like it like that?  
iluvgilly: see?

\--

CommissionerByRight: It was was fanfiction effluvia.  
RedHeadedMother: It was an important trilogy that allowed women to get in touch with their kinkier sides.  
CommissionerByRight: “Get in touch with their kinkier sides.” Honestly, Catelyn. I thought you were an adult in a committed relationship and not an adolescent in the throes of her first sexual exploration.  
RedHeadedMother: I’ve been married a long time, Stannis, 50 Shades helped me and Ned spice things up.  
CommissionerByRight: I will not behave like Loras and cringe at the idea of heterosexual intercourse. However, how were you able to read the entire trilogy? I read ten pages before I could no longer stand the cliches, the lip biting, the pre-teen mind set of the protagonist, the appalling grammar and poor sentence structure.  
RedHeadedMother: It wasn’t particularly well-written.  
CommissionerByRight: It was _Twilight_ fanfiction.  
RedHeadedMother: You can’t expect perfection from fanfiction writers, Stannis They write for the love of the characters without a professional support team and as an aside to their regular jobs.  
CommissionerByRight: E.L. James had a professional support team and she received a considerable amount of money for her work.  
CommissionerByRight: There is no excuse for poor grammar. If you choose to write and share you work, you should at least write well.  
RedHeadedMother: You have a point there. Still, it brought kinky into the mainstream.  
CommissionerByRight: People were engaging in fetish play long before that novel was released.  
RedHeadedMother: I still say it was an important book.  
CommissionerByRight: You're wrong.  I’m asking for an expert opinion.  
RedHeadedMother: Not Oberyn.  
CommissionerByRight: An expert, Catelyn, not an oversexxed playboy.

[CommissionerByRight has invited BeenThereDoneThatQueen to the conversation.]  
[BeenThereDoneThatQueen has joined the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: Olenna, don’t you think 50 Shades of Grey was an important work because it made it more acceptable for women to enjoy kinkier sex?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Are you telling me you and Ned didn’t experiment with bondage and spanking before that book?  
RedHeadedMother: …  
CommissionerByRight: I think my point has been made, Catelyn. Moreover, the writing was appalling.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You own a copy, Stannis?  
CommissionerByRight: Davos does. I just picked it up and skimmed a few pages.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Learn anything?  
CommissionerByRight: That Davos Seaworth is a far superior and more knowledgeable lover than Christian Grey could ever hope to be.  
RedHeadedMother: I did not need to know that.

\--

WarriorMaiden: Are we back on this?  
Kingslayer: Either this or we cyber sex.  
WarriorMaiden: Jam.  
Kingslayer: Jelly tastes better.  
WarriorMaiden: Jam is easier to spread.  
Kingslayer: I do like spreading things. And then eating the delicious center.  
WarriorMaiden: That sounds more like cyber sex.  
Kingslayer: Come on.  Just go with it.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: It'll be fun.

[Needler has joined the conversation.]

Needler: BRIENNE OMG OMG OMG OMG  
WarriorMaiden: Arya, calm down. Whats wrong?  
Needler: BRIENNE THOSE GUYS FROM WORK WANT 2 SLEEP W U 2 GET N2 THE FF LEAGUE  
WarriorMaiden: What? What are you talking about?  
Needler: Renly asked me 2 hack n2 emails bc u had some probs w work guys  
Needler: they want 2 have sex w u 2 get n2 the league!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Needler: some hyle guy sez he is going 2 have sex w u  
Needler: ron something sez he wont, he said ur not prty, ben and eddie and they all sux  
Needler: its some scam!!!!!! BRIENNE!!~!!!!  
WarriorMaiden: Renly asked you to look into it?  
Needler: he did cuz i hack  
Needler: I had 2 tell u first, they have some deal where they will sleep w u and u will make them co-owner and they will get n2 the league and dump u  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks for telling me Arya. I’ll deal with it.  
Needler: r u going 2 punch someone?  
WarriorMaiden: Adults don’t deal with things by punching.  
Needler: they said mean things  
WarriorMaiden: Words are wind, Arya. They can’t hurt me.  
Needler: ur ok then?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m fine. Thanks for telling me.  
Needler: sure?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m sure.  
Needler: ur the best, bri

[Needler has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Any chance you’d logged off and didn’t get any of that?  
Kingslayer: Jelly.  
WarriorMaiden: I have to go to a meeting.  
Kingslayer: Don’t leave, Brienne.

[WarriorMaiden: System Message: WarriorMaiden is away from her desk.]

\--

Needler: talk 2 me about revenge  
Unknown: A girl needs a favor?  
Needler: some buttholes were mean 2 brienne  
Unknown: A woman wants vengeance?  
Needler: she sez words r wind, they cant hurt her  
Unknown: A woman is right.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Needler: i want 2 kick butt 4 brienne  
Kingslayer: Get me those emails, Needler.  
Unknown: A man interferes.  
Kingslayer: Shut the fuck up Jaqen, I don’t have time for your stupid ass shit.  
Needler: who r u?  
Kingslayer: Jaime Fucking Lannister.  
Unknown: A woman has friends.  
Kingslayer: I want you to forward those emails to me.  
Needler: y?  
Kingslayer: Sometimes adults do deal with things by punching people.  
Needler: u going 2 punch them?  
Kingslayer: Get me those emails.  
Needler: kick them 4 me  
Kingslayer: I’ll do more than kick.  
Unknown: A woman has more than a friend.  
Needler: dont tell my mom or dad  
Kingslayer: Who are your parents?  
Needler: exactly

\--

WarriorMaiden: Nothing is wrong, Marg. I’m just not in the mood to goof off.  
LadyRose: Are you sure?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m fine. Really.

\--

URallAssholes: fuck me jaime, did she see these?  
Kingslayer: No clue. Needler forwarded them to Renly.  
URallAssholes: she knows though?  
Kingslayer: I was there when Needler told her.  
URallAssholes: how did Arya get these?  
Kingslayer: Who?  
URallAssholes: arya stark = needler, she's ned's daughter  
Kingslayer: Never met her. Guess she's friends with Brienne?  
URallAssholes: tall chick ok?  
Kingslayer: Would you be?  
URallAssholes: what u going 2 do?  
Kingslayer: What do you think?

\--

UKnowUWantMe: even big brie doesnt dserve it  
BeardedStag: No one does.  
UKnowUWantMe: whatcha gonna do?  
BeardedStag: I have to tell Stannis.  
UKnowUWantMe: fuk, should we take her out 2night?  
BeardedStag: shes working out w jaime  
UKnowUWantMe: k, she okay?  
BeardedStag: No clue. It’s Brienne. She pulled the blinds down in her office.  
UKnowUWantMe: fuk

\--

URallAssholes: hey tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: I’m really not up for this today.  
URallAssholes: not up for a round of marry, kiss kill?  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
URallAssholes: i give u 3 names, you have to marry, kiss or kill them, one for each  
WarriorMaiden: He told you?  
URallAssholes: yeah  
WarriorMaiden: He saw it. Of course he saw it. You laughing? Basking in my humiliation?  
URallAssholes: hey tall chick, have u met me  
WarriorMaiden: Guess you might understand.  
URallAssholes: fukin hell, might?  
WarriorMaiden: That was unfair of me. Marry, kiss, kill?  
URallAssholes: :) Hyle cunt, jaime lannister and the kingslayer  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime is the Kingslayer and I’d clearly kill Hyle.  
URallAssholes: so u want 2 both marry and kiss jaime  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
URallAssholes: date him  
WarriorMaiden: I really don’t need to be mocked right now. I can’t. I just can’t take that.  
URallAssholes: *bangs head into desk*  
WarriorMaiden: Don't, Tyrion, just don't. I can't cope with pity either.  
WarriorMaiden: Please?  
URallAssholes: k, but i'm back on this tomorrow  
WarriorMaiden: Tomorrow, I can take it. Not today.  
URallAssholes: ur turn  
WarriorMaiden: Olenna Tyrell, Walder Frey, Ramsay Bolton.  
URallAssholes: that’s just mean.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m sorry. I’m lashing out.  I want to punch someone.  
URallAssholes: i can take it  
WarriorMaiden: So, you killing Walder and kissing Ramsay?  
URallAssholes: killing ramsay and hoping waldo dies b4 i have to kiss him  
WarriorMaiden: Nice one.  
URallAssholes: how about kill, kill, kill, cuntington, lice-ridden bush, and tht dumbass bros guy  
WarriorMaiden: That sounds good.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: brie talk 2 u?  
LadyRose: No. Is something wrong?  
UKnowUWantMe: ren would kill me 4 telling  
LadyRose: Tell me!  
UKnowUWantMe: she shud tell u  
LadyRose: That bad?  
UKnowUWantMe: worse

\--

WarriorMaiden: That’s all right, Jaime. I kind of just want to go home tonight anyway.  
Kingslayer: I just have to take care of something. A work thing came up.  
WarriorMaiden: I understand, really. I mean. You have more important things to do than workout with me.  
Kingslayer: This is important, but not more important than you, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s fine, really. I’ll catch you tomorrow, maybe. If you’re around.  
Kingslayer: We WILL talk tomorrow.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s okay. I get it. You don't need to explain.  
WarriorMaiden: Have a good night.

[WarriorMaiden has signed out of chat.]

Kingslayer: BRIENNE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear it gets better tomorrow. I wrote this like nine hundred times and this is the best I could do. Fucking plot. Hold me.


	9. Videos, Bases and Other Randomness. Friday, Part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I posted late. I have strep.

WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Wench?  
WarriorMaiden: You cancelled on me last night.  
Kingslayer: Sorry about that. I had a business meeting. We are on for tonight though?  
WarriorMaiden: Today Hyle Hunt has a black eye. Ron Connington is off with a dental emergency. Ben Bushy and Eddie Ambrose are just off sick.  
Kingslayer: Who?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: How did they all get hurt on the same evening?  
Kingslayer: They are clumsy fuckers?  
WarriorMaiden: What did you do?  
Kingslayer: Nothing.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: Fine. I can’t lie to you.  
Kingslayer: I had a discussion without them about their chances of ever joining the Iron Throne League.  
WarriorMaiden: Discussions don’t usually involve black eyes and dental surgery.  
Kingslayer: My gold punching glove did most of the talking.  
WarriorMaiden: I told Arya violence wasn't the way to deal with this.  
Kingslayer: And you weren't violent. You dealt with it in a very mature, adult manner.  
WarriorMaiden: And you beat them up?  
Kingslayer: I'm not as mature and adult as you.  
WarriorMaiden: I didn't need you to do that. I could have done it myself. I have a plan actually, involving the BE softball team and my inexplicable bad aim.  
Kingslayer: I would so pay to see that.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: How did it feel?  
Kingslayer: Pretty fucking amazing, actually. Tyrion had sent them a message to meet at a boxing club to discuss the League. They went down like dominoes. Pansy-ass glass-jawed nancyboy panty-waste needle dick fucktards.  
WarriorMaiden: I can't believe I'm about to ask you this.

[IKnowALittleSomething has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Anything, Brienne, anything for you.  
WarriorMaiden: Did you get video?  
IKnowALittleSomething: video? where?  
Kingslayer: Tyrion got it. I'm sending to you now. Want to post it?  
IKnowALittleSomething: pornhub? youporn? porntube?????  
Kingslayer: Fuck off, broodyboy.  
WarriorMaiden: No posting. I just want to see it.  
IKnowALittleSomething: FUKIN HELLS, SHARE!  
WarriorMaiden: Thank you, Jaime. I owe you.  
Kingslayer: No, you really don't.  
IKnowALittleSomething: FUK U GIV ME PORN

\--

RedHeadedMother: I just don't see the point.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Backing into a parking spot lets you make a faster getaway.  
RedHeadedMother: I'm not going to the store to rob it. I'm going to buy things and I'd rather not take an age to park.  
IronIslandsBattelBabe: It's more convenient when you pull out.  
RedHeadedMother: But it's less convenient to load up the trunk with groceries.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Can't you just put them in the back seat?  
RedHeadedMother: I have five children and Ned. So make that six children. Sometimes Theon. And Jon. And with Jon comes Sam. They are like locusts. Rickon eats cereal straight from the box when I bring in the groceries. I go through 11 gallons of milk each week.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: So, don't let Ned drive when you go to the grocery? Or go without him?  
RedHeadedMother: He claims it’s bonding time, but I know he likes to go just so he can buy salty snacks and moon pies.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Do not under estimate the deliciousness of a moon pie.  
RedHeadMother: Cake rolls.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: King dons.  
RedHeadedMother: Fudge rounds.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Twinkies.  
RedHeadedMother: Twinkies! I have to hide them.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I hide Zingers from Theon. He'll eat the whole box.  
RedHeadMother: Men have no self control.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I'm eating a mini package of Oreos.  
RedHeadedMother: I just finished a pack of powdered doughnuts.

\--

LadyRose: FUCK Brienne, why didn’t you tell me about this yesterday?  
WarriorMaiden: Because I wanted to go home and curl up on my couch and eat a gallon of ice cream and then hit my punching bag and not remember being stood up on prom night.  
LadyRose: Brienne, that guy was an ass, and you and I went and we had a great time.  
WarriorMaiden: School all over again though.  
LadyRose: I would have stayed over and we could have talked all night.  
WarriorMaiden: I know. I didn’t want to talk about it, Marg.  
LadyRose: Well I want to kick some ass.  
WarriorMaiden: ...you’re too late.  
LadyRose: You beat the shit out of them? *high five*  
WarriorMaiden: Someone beat me to it.  
LadyRose: ?  
WarriorMaiden: Don't start.  
LadyRose: Jaime???!!1!111!1!!11!!!11!! JAIME???!~!1!!11!!!1!!!1????  
WarriorMaiden: ...Yes.  
LadyRose: Jaime FUCKING Lannister beat the shit out of them? FUCK YEAH. This is fantastic!  
WarriorMaiden: Hyle can’t see out of one eye, Ron lost two teeth, and I hear Ben has cracked ribs and Eddie has severe abdominal bruising.  
LadyRose: I am so turned on right now! Jaime Lannister kicked ass. For you! I’m jealous.  
WarriorMaiden: He was just being a friend.  
LadyRose: Opening a can of whoopass on those guys totally falls into like like Brienne. And it sounds like it was a pretty big can of whoopass. He so wants to fuck you.  
WarriorMaiden: You just offered to beat them up. Does that mean you want to screw me?  
LadyRose: You do have those delicious legs.  
WarriorMaiden: You need to get laid.  
LadyRose: I do. I really really do.  
WarriorMaiden: Want to see the video?  
LadyRose: Is it hot?  
WarriorMaiden: ...yes?

\--

CommissionerByRight: I am not watching that sequel this weekend.  
FingerfewerHand: You laughed at the original.  
CommissionerByRight: I scoffed.  
FingerfewerHand: You giggled.  
CommissionerByRight: I am a grown man, Davos. I do not giggle.  
FingerfewerHand: Except when you watch Sharknado. Or when I tickle you.  
CommissioenrByRight: If I agree to watch Sharknado 2?  
FingerfewerHand: We can do both.

\--

HyleontheHunt: guess u heard?  
WarriorMaiden: I really have nothing to say to you.  
HyleontheHunt: we were friends b4  
WarriorMaiden: Were we?  
HyleontheHunt: im sry  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.  
HyleontheHunt: buy u lunch?  
WarriorMaiden: Lunch won’t make up for it.

[PerfectPrincess joined the conversation.]

HyleontheHunt: ur bf blacked my eye  
PerfectPrincess: u have a bf, brie? That’s GREAT  
WarriorMaiden: It’s not like that Sansa.  
WarriorMaiden: Get lost, Hyle.  
HyleontheHunt: mean it brie  
WarriorMaiden: I said, get lost.

[HyleontheHunt has left the conversation.]

PerfectPrincess: bf?  
WarriorMaiden: He’s just confused.  
PerfectPrincess: u should have a bf  
WarriorMaiden: So you’re going to stay with me for the week?

\--

TheLastDragon: aliens don't exist  
WardenWolf: neither do zombies  
LegitimizeThisBitches: alien invasion is more likely than zombie apocalypse  
IKnowALittleSomething: zombies r coming  
LegitimizeThisBitches: aliens and i would totally steal 1of their ships and shoot down the mother ship  
IKnowALittleSomething: zombies and ygritee and i would kill them w our crossbows  
TheLastDragon: you can't kill zombies with crossbows, you need dragons and for that you'd need a Targaryen  
LegitimizeThisBitches: ur off in essos, fucker  
TheLastDragon: I AM the last Targaryen  
WardenWolf: i wouldn't be so sure of that

\--

LadyRose: Ron Connington, Ben Bushy, Eddie Ambrose, Hyle Hunt.  
LadyRose: We do not speak to them. We do not acknowledge them. If asked about them, we say they are gay, impotent or have micropenis.  
MrsYoungWolf: Micropenis?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Barely there, hon.  
RedHeadedMother: What did they do?  
LadyRose: I promised not to tell.  
SexontheSand: Brienne isn’t here. So I’m guessing it’s her.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I have no problem with it. Fuck ‘em.  
RedHeadedMother: Language please, Arya and Sansa are here.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Sorry. Screw ‘em.  
KissedByFire: Can’t we do something more active? Beat them? Torture them?  
LadyRose: Butts have already been kicked.  
Needler: go JAIME! i like him, jaqen showed me the video, he curses a lot tho  
KissedByFire: Video?  
RedHeadedMother: He is a Lannister, Arya.  
Needler: does ur last name matter if u punch people who need it?  
PinkISPretty: roose had 2 fix Connington’s teeth, they called him in special  
PerfectPrincess: he should have refused  
PinkISPretty: I don’t think he used novocaine, is that ok?  
LadyRose: That’s a start.  
RedHeadedMother: What do we do about Brienne?  
Needler: she should date jaime  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: She should.  
Needler: im gonna go tell her

[Needler has left the conversation.]

PerfectPrincess: what about her bf?  
PinkISPretty: who is her bf?  
LadyRose: Jaime, soon.  
KissedByFire: Sam says they cybersex.  
RedheadedMother: Ygritte!.  
KissedByFire: It’s not a curse word.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: That should be appropriately distracting.  
RedHeadedMother: I do hate using Brienne like this, to distract Jaime from winning the League.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: It’s killing two birds with one stone.  
SexontheSand: We disrupt the League and Brienne gets a man who might possibly worship her.  
MrsYoungWolf: if he doesn’t?  
LadyRose: We crush him too.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: i like my hair 2 flow free, how bout u jon?  
iluvgilly: i don’t think i’d look good with a pony tail  
WardenWolf: i like to pull just the top back into a ponytail  
IKnowALittleSomething: i like a pony tail at my neck  
UKnowUWantMe: use any particular product?  
iluvgilly: i have a moon face  
LegitimizeThisBitches: ponytails r 4 chicks  
IKnowALittleSomething: ygritte likes it  
WardenWolf: cat doesnt  
UKnowUWantMe: use n e kind of conditioner, snow?  
WardenWolf: i have 2 make a hair cut appt  
LegitimizeThisBitches; whipped

\--

WarriorMaiden: Hi Arya.  
Needler: is jaime ur bf now?  
WarriorMaiden: No. He never was. And he won’t be.  
Needler: he beat up guys 4 u  
WarriorMaiden: We are just friends.  
Needler: *side eye*  
WarriorMaiden: Really.  
Needler: u should thank him, its the rt thing 2 do  
WarriorMaiden: You’re right. I should.  
Needler: put ur head on his shoulder  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Needler: just sayin’  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll make him dinner. That will be a way to say thank you.

\--

iluvgilly: but we are in a fantasy football league  
IKnowALittleSomething: look, sam, its just way 2 explain it

[IKnowALittleSomething has invited SharkReek to the conversation.]  
[IKnowALittleSomething has invited YoungWolf to the conversation.]  
[IKnowALittleSomething has invited Bronn4Sale to the conversation.]  
[IKnowALittleSomething has invited URallAssholes to the conversation.]  
[IKnowALittleSomething has invited LegitimizeThisBitches to the conversation.]  
[IKnowALittleSomething has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]  
[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]  
[YoungWolf has joined the conversation.]  
[Bronn4Sale has joined the conversation.]  
[LegitimizeThisBitches has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: 'sup?  
IKnowALittleSomething: sam needs the bases run down  
Kingslayer: Bases?  
Bronn4Sale: 1st base, kissing w tongue  
YoungWolf: groundout kissing no tongue  
IKnowALittleSomething: second base, boobs  
SharkReek: mmm titties  
LegitimizeThisBitches: bewbs  
URallAssholes: ground rule double, copping a feel w no kissing  
Bronn4Sale: regular double, 2 chicks one night  
Kingslayer: Seriously?  
iluvgilly: i just want gilly, no other girls  
YoungWolf: im married, no other chicks. ever  
LegitimizeThisBitches: haha  
YoungWolf: balk, when u think ur getting laid and end up cuddling on the couch  
SharkReek: third base, handjob or BJ  
iluvgilly: bj?  
IKnowALittleSomething: blow job, 3rd on a girl is fingers or tongue  
Bronn4Sale: and u know all aout that  
LegitmizeThisBitches: triple play, oral vag and butt  
iluvgilly: whut?  
IKnowALittleSomething: home run, actual sex  
Bronn4Sale: grand slam, fuk her 4x in a night  
YoungWolf: none of that after marriage  
LegitimizeThisBitches: serves u right  
SharkReek: sacrifice bunt, settling 4 a handjibber in a 3some

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Did someone say threesome?  
Bronn4Sale: switch hitter = oberyn  
SexViper: Both pitching and catching.  
iluvgilly: i dont want 2 play baseball w gilly  
URallAssholes: how far have u gotten?  
IKnowALittleSomething: trying 2 figure that out  
iluvgilly: 2nd base? i guess?  
SharkReek: TITS!

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

KissedByFire: It is never good when you're all in the same room. What idiot shit are you talking?  
SexViper: You should make love to your woman, Sam. Make love to her in all ways, all night long, for hours, days, weeks.  
YoungWolf: b4 u get married  
LadyRose: Right now, I'm so jealous of Gilly.  
KissedByFire: FPM  
SharkReek: hey jaime how far have u gotten  
Bronn4Sale: no where at all, she doesn't like him  
KissedByFire: They are totally a couple.  
YoungWolf: who?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: briene?  
Kingslayer: None of your fucking business, dickweeds.  
IKnowALittleSomething: share the video lannister  
LadyRose: I saw the video.  
KissedByFire: Show the rest of us?  
Bronn4Sale: brie likes chicks  
SharkReek: wut?  
Kingslayer: She does not.  
iluvgilly: jaime knows, they cyber sex  
LadyRose: Seriously, Bronn, that's just your fantasy. Brienne is completely straight. If you're looking for someone to swing both ways, you need Ellaria or Yarsha.  
SexViper: The BattleBabe? Intriguing.  
Bronn4Sale: id do her  
SharkReek: thats my sister  
LegitimizeThisBitches: id do her 2  
SharkReek: MY SISTER  
KissedByFire: You'd stick your dick in a vacuum cleaner.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: THAT WAS ONE TIME  
IKnowALittleSomething: video?

\--

WarriorMaiden: I can do this. I don’t need to talk to Marg and practice. I can do this. It’ll be fine.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll do this.  
WarriorMaiden: After lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst gets resolved quickly. YAY.


	10. I Can Do This.  Friday, Part 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry I didn't get this up yesterday. It's a bitch to format. I had formatted the first part Thursday night and just hit post. 
> 
> Anyway. Thanks for all the well-wishes. I went to the doctor ASAP, got the good drugs and flopped on my couch for the entire day. I slept about 19 hours. Yay me.
> 
> So here is Friday, Part 2.

URallAssholes: so?  
WarriorMaiden: So what?  
URallAssholes: u know  
WarriorMaiden: I know what?  
URallAssholes: come on, tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not going to play this game with you.  
URallAssholes: 2 busy playing the video?  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
URallAssholes: totally hot, isn’t he?  
WarriorMaiden: Are you hot for your brother?  
URallAssholes: u r?  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously. Thank you.  
URallAssholes: u know how u can thank me  
WarriorMaiden: By not kicking your ass this season?  
URallAssholes: or by dating my bro  
WarriorMaiden: Right. Because I’m sure he wants to date the woman men will only screw to get into a fantasy football league.  
URallAssholes: or he wants 2 date the woman he spends evry fucking night of the week with and all fucking day talkin 2  
WarriorMaiden: We are friends.   
URallAssholes: he beat the shit out of those guys 4 you  
WarriorMaiden: I’d beat up someone for him too.  
URallAssholes: platonically?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes. He just felt sorry for me.  
URallAssholes: come ON  
WarriorMaiden: Do you really think I’m in any shape to date anyone right now?  
URallAssholes: just jaime  
WarriorMaiden: Are you going to do this the entire drive up to Winterfell?  
URallAssholes: hadn’t planned on it :)

\--

FertileNonagenarian: whut?  
MrsYoungWolf: They will cut your toenails for you.  
FertileNonagenarian: i usually have the grandkids do it  
MrsYoungWolf: As a punishment?  
FertileNonagenarian: they draw straws  
MrsYoungWolf: Just go to a spa and get a pedicure.  
FertileNonagenarian: isnt it 2 girly  
MrsYoungWolf: There are lots of women in spas.  
FertileNonagenarian: mebbe i can get a date?

\--

PinkISPretty: so u have an offense and a defense  
SharkKing: And the offense is trying 2 score points by getting the ball in the endzone.  
PinkISPretty: ned explained the points stuff  
SharkKing: You can score a td by either running the ball in or throwing a pass.  
PinkISPretty: can you run it part way and then throw it 2 someone?  
SharkKing: only if it's a lateral  
PinkISPretty: ?  
SharkKing: Throwing the ball to a team mate who is behind you.  
PinkISPretty: if u want to get to the endzone, why through it backwards?  
SharkKing: You can throw it forwards if you're behind the line of scrimmage  
PinkISPretty: what's the line of scrimmage?  
SharkKing: its where the ball is at the start of the play  
PinkISPretty: when the one guy put his hands on the butt of the other guy and squeezes and the guy tosses him the ball?  
SharkKing: go talk 2 someone else

\--

WarriorMaiden: I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. It’s not a big deal.  
WarriorMaiden: We hang out as friends all the time.  
WarriorMaiden: This is no different.  
WarriorMaiden: I can do this.

[WarriorMaiden has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Wench?  
WarriorMaiden: Brienne.  
Kingslayer: That’s you.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: Don’t roll them too much. They might get stuck that way and I’d miss seeing the blue.  
WarriorMaiden: You are so cheesy sometimes.  
Kingslayer: But it makes you smile.  
WarriorMaiden: Sometimes.  
Kingslayer: He shoots! He scores!  
WarriorMaiden: Anyway. I want to say thank you for the car and everything else.  
Kingslayer: Are you going to promise me undying friendship because I did you a small favor?  
WarriorMaiden: I was thinking if you wanted to I could come over tomorrow and cook you dinner and we could watch the Godfather, if you don’t have any other plans or anything. As a thank you for being so nice.  
WarriorMaiden: But I totally understand if you don't want too. I'm not a great cook. I make decent spaghetti. It's okay if you have other plans. I just wanted to do something to say thank you. But it’s fine if you don’t want to.  
Kingslayer: All three?  
WarriorMaiden: All three what?  
Kingslayer: Can we watch all three movies?  
WarriorMaiden: You mean you want to watch the third one? It’s awful.  
Kingslayer: I think you’ll appreciate it more after watching it with me.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: If you're happy and you know it grab your tits  
If you're happy and you know it grab your tits  
If you're happy and you know and you really want to show it, grab your tits  
WarriorMaiden: That’s like almost ten hours of video?  
SharkReek: u made an 10 hour porno?  
WarriorMaiden: It's like he's leaking stupid.  
Kingslayer: Reek, Reek. He has no brains to leak.  
WarriorMaiden: That's terrible, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Not as bad as his lyrics.  
WarriorMaiden: Point.  
SharkReek: fu, go back 2 cyber fukin

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: I almost regret making that bet with him.  
Kingslayer: So, all day? I have a nice sturdy kitchen table. I mean. If you were thinking about it. The table.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. We can watch all three. Dinner at the table.  
Kingslayer: You have made me an offer I cannot refuse.  
WarriorMaiden: Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: whut were u talking bout 2 loras the other day?  
Needler: asking his advice but he just wants 2 talk about ur hair  
IKnowALittleSomething: noticed that. y does he care about my hair?  
Needler: i dunno, he’s weird, oberyn is great tho  
IKnowALittleSomething: U WERE TALKING 2 OBERYN MARTELL?  
Needler: he gave me good boy advice  
IKnowALittleSomething: u r not allowed 2 talk 2 him  
Needler: y?  
IKnowALittleSomething: whut did he tell u?  
Needler: we just talked bout boys, he’s smart and nice, i like him  
IKnowALittleSomething: gods, hes a sleaze  
Needler: hes not  
IKnowALittleSomething: wht is it about that guy that girls like?  
Needler: mom thinks hes sexy  
IKnowALittleSomething: *barf*  
Needler: *shrug* not my type  
IKnowALittleSomething: arya, don’t be talking 2 older guys  
Needler: we didn’t talk like that, gross  
IKnowALittleSomething: dont make me ahve dad limit ur access  
Needler: whutevs, oberyn is less dirty that what ygritte and marg talk about  
IKnowALittleSomething: whut's that?  
Needler: not telling  
IKnowALittleSomething: ill tell dad u talked 2 oberyn  
Needler: ill tell every1 ur underwear r pink  
IKnowALittleSomething: it was an accident  
Needler: like thatll matter

\--

Kingslayer: So, she’s coming over for dinner and movies tomorrow. YES. FINALLY. We can make out. On my couch. At first. Then the floor. Then the table.  
Kingslayer: She can stay over and we can shower in the morning.  
Kingslayer: I think about her in the shower.  
Kingslayer: Every day.  
Kingslayer: Evenings too.  
Kingslayer: Sometimes not in the shower. During lunch.  
URallAssholes: slow down there, killer  
Kingslayer: Almost every day at lunch.  
URallAssholes: wait. in the exec bathroom?  
Kingslayer: The stalls are big. And the doors are sturdy.  
URallAssholes: is that y we r always out of lotion n there?  
Kingslayer: ...Maybe.  
URallAssholes: i did not want 2 know  
Kingslayer: Not every day.  
Kingslayer: Okay.  
Kingslayer: Every day. But not tomorrow.  
Kingslayer: Tomorrow. On the table. At my place.  
URallAssholes: look, shes pretty raw right now, bro, take it easy  
Kingslayer: What? You told me to flirt harder.  
URallAssholes: im saying those guys weren’t just assholes, they humiliated her, that kind of thing doesn’t go away  
Kingslayer: But I beat them up for her?  
URallAssholes: doesnt take away her embarrassment, believe me, i know  
Kingslayer: She shouldn’t be embarrassed that they are assholes.  
URallAssholes: im saying, and fuk me i cant believe im saying this, tall chick is feeling bad now, bad bad, if u try to make a move, shell think it's pity  
Kingslayer: What?  
URallAssholes: shell think u pity her, not that u want her  
Kingslayer: Why would I pity her?  
URallAssholes: i get that tis is hard for u 2 understand, but trust me, her pride is pretty wounded, what she thinks is a pity fuck will drive her away  
Kingslayer: No making out on the couch? No table sex? It's a balk?  
URallAssholes: u'll b lucky 2 get a cuddle, just cheer her up, make her relax, dont get weird, be there 4 her, be her friend  
Kingslayer: Fucking hells. I just want her. On the table.  
URallAssholes: whut the fuck is w the table thing?

\--

BeardedStag: You looked at the emails?  
CommissionerByRight: You should have had this investigated by our IT department, Renly. It should have gone through me.  
BeardedStag: Whatever.  
CommissionerByRight: Although technically, other than as an improper use of company email, they did not violate any of the rules listed in the Employee Handbook. They still should be reprimanded.  
BeardedStag: Jaime Lannister already kicked their asses.  
CommissionerByRight: That is not an official company response.  
BeardedStag: I’m having their email access and chat access limited and monitored.  
CommissionerByRight: That seems appropriate. As Commissioner, I should take action as well.  
BeardedStag: Right, Stan. Whatever. I had it handled.  
CommissionerByRight; It is not your place.  
BeardedStag: Yet.

\--

LadyRose: I am so PROUD of you, asking Jaime on a date!  
WarriorMaiden: It’s not a date.  
LadyRose: Are you going to jump him?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m cooking him a thank you dinner.  
LadyRose: You could give him a thank you fuck.  
WarriorMaiden: He doesn't want thank you sex.  
LadyRose: All men want sex. Thank you sex, I'm pissed at you sex, Your father is coming to visit sex, I forgot to do the laundry sex, There's nothing on TV sex.  
WarriorMaiden: We are going to watch movies, violent mafia movies.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek No one can see your tiny titties  
How my poor balls ache  
With every tit you shake  
Every tit you shake, every breast you quake  
I'll be watching you  
LadyRose: You should watch porn instead.  
SharkReek: pr0n?  
WarriorMaiden: Good gods, Marg. Will you go get laid already?  
SharkReek: im here 4 u  
LadyRose: Go away or you will never have a chance.  
SharkReek: FUCK.

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

LadyRose: Thaat was kind of sweet. Every Breath You Take.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you serious?  
LadyRose: No. Yes. You need to fuck Jaime.  
WarriorMaiden: We will eat spaghetti. I will most certainly get some on my shirt. We will exchange gangster quotes. I will go home.  
LadyRose: Before you leave, stick your tongue down his throat.  
WarriorMaiden: Holy hells.  
LadyRose: Fine. Promise me if he makes a move, you'll kiss him back and not do that panicking thing you do.  
WarriorMaiden: I do not panic.  
LadyRose: Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I panic.  
LadyRose: Promise you won't. Just kiss him back. Run your hands through his hair. And if you get a chance, find out what conditioner he uses and report back to me.  
LadyRose: Also, I want a full detailed description of his cock, length, girth, feel.  
WarriorMaiden: 1. He is not going to make a move. He thinks of me as a friend.  
WarriorMaiden: 2. I am not going to ask him about his conditioner.  
WarriorMaiden: 3. I will never give you a description of his penis because I will never see it.  
LadyRose: 1. Shut up, you idiot. You are clearly more than a friend.  
LadyRose: 2. Peek in his shower.  
LadyRose: 3. I bet it's big. Feel it at least. Give him a grope. Have you seen his hands? And fingers? Such nice fingers.  
WarriorMaiden: Why don't you go look at sex toys?  
LadyRose: It's just not the same! I miss Theon's amazing cock.  
WarriorMaiden: I just threw up in my mouth.  
LadyRose: Brush your teeth before you make out with Jaime.  
WarriorMaiden: Marg…  
LadyRose: You know I love you.

\--

BeardedStag: Zac Posen is wittier.  
KellyCsBear: Michael Kors had the best quips.  
BeardedStag: Kors is an old, stale, tanorexic queen.  
KellyCsBear: Zac Posen just doesn’t have the same fashion pedigree that Kors has.  
BeardedStag: Kors makes caftans. Sure, his accessories are amazing, but his clothing line is dull.  
KellyCsBear: Daenerys says Posen’s designs as overworked.  
BeardedStag: At least Posen knows how to work a fabric, unlike Kors who drapes it like a sheet and then belts it.  
KellyCsBear: Kors was still a better Project Runway judge.  
BeardedStag: Posen is better looking.  
KellyCsBear: Nina Garcia?  
BeardedStag: Divine.

\--

CommissionerByRight: So, Brienne, I can ask for a vote on whether those men would ever been considered for League ownership.  
WarriorMaiden: I’d rather you didn’t  
CommissionerByRight: Their actions were wholly inappropriate.  
WarriorMaiden: But if you call for a vote, everyone will ask why and I’d really rather not have that become League record.  
CommissionerByRight: I’ll take no action then.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks Stannis. I’m humiliated enough.  
CommissionerByRight: You weren’t the one who behaved poorly.  
WarriorMaiden: These things are always considered the woman’s fault.  
CommissionerByRight: That’s ridiculous.  
WarriorMaiden: But true.  
CommissionerByRight: I understand Jaime had addressed the issue.  
WarriorMaiden: I didn’t ask him to.  
CommissionerByRight: He’s never stood up for someone who wasn’t a Lannister.  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe he thinks of me like a sister.  
CommissionerByRight: Indeed.

\--

LadyRose: Remember my warning.  
URallAssholes: untwist ur panties  
LadyRose: She'd better have a great time tomorrow night.  
URallAssholes: they r going 2 have dinner and talk 2 each other in movie quotes, what can go wrong?  
LadyRose: ...  
URallAssholes: good point

\--

LegitimizeThisBitches: delicious  
SexontheSand: Disgusting.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: all year i look forward 2 spring when they sell peeps  
Sexonthe Sand: They are synthetic marshmallow covered in colored sugar crystals.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: they r heaven  
SexontheSand: They expand if you put them in the microwave.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: 2 make more delicious peep goodness  
SexontheSand: You have the palate of a seven year old.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: id eat peeps off ur tits

\--

WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Is 4 okay for tomorrow?  
Kingslayer: Perfect. I’ll pick up dessert.  
WarriorMaiden: It’ll be nice.  
Kingslayer: A nice relaxing dinner.  
WarriorMaiden: With gangster movies.  
Kingslayer: On my giant TV.  
WarriorMaiden: What is with men and big TVs?  
Kingslayer: You know what they say about the size of a man’s TV?  
WarriorMaiden: Directly proportional to the size of his ego?  
Kingslayer: I’m going to let you win that one.  
WarriorMaiden: Let me win? Let me win??  
Kingslayer: Well, you’re going to be cooking barefoot in my kitchen like a proper little woman.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, idiot. I’m not little.  
Kingslayer: But I’m your favorite idiot. And you’re my favorite wench.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* I have to go.  
Kingslayer: Wait.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: See you at the gym?  
WarriorMaiden: You still want to work out tonight?  
Kingslayer: Were you going to ditch me?  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: You were, weren’t you? DITCHER!  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime.  
Kingslayer: The gym. Tonight. You have to see my bruised knuckles.  
WarriorMaiden: You bruised your knuckles?  
Kingslayer: No. The glove is actually amazing. It’s bloodstained now though.  
WarriorMaiden: That makes me strangely happy.  
Kingslayer: I make you happy?  
WarriorMaiden: Sometimes.  
Kingslayer: YES. Dinner after we work out?  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll be there. I have to go.  
Kingslayer: Wear your pretty blue sweatpants?

[WarrorMaiden has signed out of chat.]

Kingslayer: Do not think about her naked. Just be there for her. I can do this. I can. Do not think about her naked.  
Kingslayer: Fuck.


	11. Saturday Night Roundup.

URallAssholes: how did it go?  
Kingslayer: She knows more Godfather quotes than I do.  
URallAssholes: and that means…?  
Kingslayer: She’s messy when she cooks.  
URallAssholes: ur giving me nothing here  
Kingslayer: She snorts when she laughs.  
URallAssholes: so, she still there? asleep in bed?  
Kingslayer: You told me to keep my hands to myself.  
URallAssholes: i thought she might have made a move  
Kingslayer: No. She kind of almost leaned into me once but I think it was an accident.  
URallAssholes: how did u end it?  
Kingslayer: A hug. She smells amazing.  
URallAssholes: uh..boner hug?  
Kingslayer: I didn’t want to scare her off.  
URallAssholes: chill, im just checkin

\--

LadyRose: So?  
WarriorMaiden: I did get spaghetti on my shirt.  
LadyRose: So you took it off and had hot sweaty sex on his couch?  
WarriorMaiden: So he loaned me a dark blue henley. No sex.  
LadyRose: Making out?  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
LadyRose: Good night kiss?  
WarriorMaiden: He didn't even try. Just a hug.  
LadyRose: Boner hug?  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
LadyRose: Did he hug you goodnight and press his hard throbbing cock into you?  
WarriorMaiden: Uh. No. It was more like how we hug.  
LadyRose: You mean the way women hug so their boobs don't smash against each other?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah. That kind of hug.   
LadyRose: Damn.  
WarriorMaiden: I told you. He just likes me as a friend.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: u hear about jaime beating up dudes for brie?  
BeardedStag: Yep. Good for Brienne. She said they aren't dating.  
UKnowUWantMe: word has it they been fucking 4 awhile  
BeardedStag: She didn't say anything to me.  
UKnowUWantMe: u mad she didn't confide in u?  
BeardedStag: If she's with Jaime, you can be less jealous?  
UKnowUWantMe: not jealous of her  
BeardedStag: Then why are you so grumpy?  
UKnowUWantMe: bc jaime will come 2 our game nights now  
BeardedStag: Will that be so awful? Maybe you can ask him about his conditioner?  
UKnowUWantMe: u like his hair bettr!  
BeardedStag: I love your hair. Come here and put your head in my lap. I'll play with it.  
UKnowUWantMe: if i put my head n ur lap, u'll b 2 distracted 2 play w my hair  
BeardedStag: Get over here. Now.  
UKnowUWantMe: oh, kinky

\--

URallAssholes: what did she say?  
LadyRose: What did he say?  
URallAssholes: do u ever give an inch?  
LadyRose: How many inches do you have to give?  
URallAssholes: more than u can take  
LadyRose: She said she had a good time but he thinks of her as just a friend. Do I need to prep her for that?  
URallAssholes: i told im not 2 push so she wouldn't think it was a pity  
LadyRose: I had her primed for him to make a move!  
URallAssholes: y didn't u tell me? i told him 2 keep his hands off  
LadyRose: FUCK.  
URallAssholes: we should check n on this  
LadyRose: Regularly.  
URallAssholes: by skype  
LadyRose: Why Skype?  
URallAssholes: so u can be naked

\--

MrsYoungWolf: I am totally in the mood and Robb is "too sore."  
KissedByFire: Jon's pink underwear turned me right off.  
MrsYoungWolf: Cat and Ned are probably doing it right now.  
KissedByFire: Gilly and Sam might be as well.  
MrsYoungWolf: Damn.

\--

Needler: hey  
ChampionRower: hey  
Needler: what r u doing?  
ChampionRower: reading rowmag.com  
Needler: want 2 chat w me instead?  
ChampionRower: sure

\--

WarriorMaiden: Hey Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Can’t get enough of my company?  
WarriorMaiden: I was just going to tell you I had a nice time. But if you’re going to be all assy about it, I won’t.  
Kingslayer: I had a nice time too.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll wash your shirt and get it back to you next week.  
Kingslayer: There’s no need.  
WarriorMaiden: You’re giving me your shirt? I thought it was your second favorite shirt after the green plaid lumberjack one?  
Kingslayer: I want the shirt back. But you don’t need to wash it. I mean. If you’re going to sleep in it. You can just not wash it. And give it back. Unwashed.  
WarriorMaiden: I can do laundry.  
Kingslayer: You offering to come over and do my laundry?  
WarriorMaiden: No. I’m not exactly domestic.  
Kingslayer: I noticed.  
WarriorMaiden: You didn’t like the spaghetti?  
Kingslayer: No. I mean. Yes. I liked it. It was great.   
WarriorMaiden: I’m not a great cook.  
Kingslayer: I liked your shoes.  
WarriorMaiden: They are Chucks. What’s not to like?  
Kingslayer: They are pink. Pale pink. Girly shoes.  
WarriorMaiden: I am a girl, in case you didn’t notice.  
Kingslayer: Oh, I notice Brienne. I definitely notice.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. Good night.  
Kingslayer: Night.  
WarriorMaiden: Sweet dreams.  
Kingslayer: You too.  
WarriorMaiden: Aren’t you logging off?  
Kingslayer: I was waiting for you to log off first.  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
Kingslayer: Because?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost called this Chapter "The Boner Hug."
> 
> Thanks so much for reading this installment and I hope to have another up relatively quickly.
> 
> And thank you for the well-wishes. When I'm sick, I always go to the doctor right away and get the problem addressed. No trying to wait for it to get better for me. Give me drugs so I'm better in two days or less.
> 
> I loved all the prompts and please, keep them coming, either through comments or PMs at the JB board.
> 
> Love you all. With Boner Hugs.


End file.
